How to Cope When Breastfeeding is Irritating

I have been struggling with something since my son was born and it isn’t easy for me to admit because I am a strong advocate for breastfeeding but I need to admit it: nursing isn’t pleasurable for me. Not in the way most healthy mothers feel when they are nursing their young. Often when I nurse I am flooded with feelings of aversion, anxiety, and irritability which is the complete opposite to what should ideally be happening hormone-wise. Instead of getting a nursing high when I feed my son, as the oxytocin floods my body, I actually feel like pulling away and running out of the room. It strikes a very uncomfortable nerve when I breastfeed which makes the experience less than pleasant at times. As you can well imagine, this makes any nursing issues doubly depressing. So how is it that I managed to breastfeed my son exclusively for seven months and continue to nurse a toddler-aged child? The honest answer: sheer will.

I knew something was up after my son was born and I never felt the ecstasy breastfeeding is supposed to impart to new mothers but I figured that it was due to the instrumental birth we endured. Over the next few months we adapted despite our difficult start and we thrived but I still did not love it as I thought I would. I loved holding my son and giving him the best of me and seeing him grow healthy and strong due to it, but it was not always a pleasant experience for me physically or emotionally. I was often overwhelmed by the potency of those feelings of aversion and irritability and this scared me but I was determined to continue nursing my son as long as I could endure it without any negative effects to me or my son. I essentially swallowed my negative feelings as best I could so that my son could benefit from my milk. However I kept feeling guilty of those strong feelings, especially the anger at my little baby who only wanted to feed so I started looking into it and realised that I was not the only one. Not only do many women experience this, but it has a clinical name: Dysphoric milk ejection reflex (D-MER). I didn’t feel so alone after this and instead came up with ways to counter it as best as I could.     

There are a couple things I remind myself when I am feeling particularly irritated that strengthens my resolve to follow through with my breastfeeding goals and I am going to list them here for you:

1.   I am designed for this. I tell myself that there is NOTHING even closely nutritious for my baby than my species-designed breastmilk despite what for-profit companies may otherwise imply. I was designed to nourish my offspring and nothing else any man has created as a substitute will do. It may seem harsh to tell yourself this, but it sure makes you try harder on those tough days!

2.   Breathe it out. I’ve learned to help calm myself by focusing on my breathing patterns and meditating while nursing to avoid escalating those difficult feelings. Sometimes I need to hum a song which my son enjoys as well to distract myself further.

3.   Take a break. There are times that I feel myself losing control and instead of unleashing that negativity on my son, I simply end the nursing session early. He does fuss but at his age (14 months) he quickly finds something else to do while I take a time out. It is far better to take a break and resume once under control than become snippy and lash out.

4.   This too shall pass. Our nursing relationship is relatively short compared to the rest of our lives together as a family. I can endure this discomfort now so that they will benefit from it both physically and emotionally for the rest of their lives. I am strong enough to put my comfort levels aside for this and find ways to cope in the meantime.

5.   A dummie is better than a bummy mummy. My body is the muse for all other comfort items on the market. When I breastfeed my child I am not only feeding them the best, but I am also providing them with the best source of comfort: a loving human being. However, there are times, especially within the first few weeks when nursing is CONSTANT, that using a soother is a blessing. If you are feeling completely touched-out and on edge and are considering having your husband run to the store for some formula, use a soother instead while you get yourself together. When my son was two months old, I was feeling overwhelmed by all the comfort nursing he was doing and so I gave him a soother to suck on while I took a breather to get control of my feelings. I always held him in a nursing position while doing so, to mimic his natural nursing routine and limited my use of it to when I REALLY needed it because non-nutritive sucking is important for milk production. This allowed me to keep sane while breastfeeding exclusively especially.   

6.   Set boundaries. When your child is older, you can also set boundaries for when you will allow nursing (like only during the day or before naps) or discourage nursing if they are starting to play at the breast or pop on and off repeatedly. My son at fourteen months likes to goof around while nursing when he is not actually hungry or needs to be soothed. He just likes to play with them and this I discourage if I am feeling touched-out. When he was an infant I would find other ways to cope because he was not yet developmentally ready to be limited at the breast, but once ready I set appropriate boundaries.      

7.   Never give up on a bad day. It always seems worse when you are in the thick of an unpleasant experience but when you are in the grips of strong emotions, it is best not to make any hasty decisions. It does get better, or more manageable if you give yourself the chance. If you are seriously considering supplementation or weaning depending on your baby’s age, look at all your options with a cool head. There are more choices than relying on formula to feed your child: check out Human Milk 4 Human Babies for example.  

It makes me sad when I think about all the women who have perhaps experienced this as well who felt so discouraged that they gave up on their breastfeeding goals. I was raised on the idea that ‘when there is a will, there is way’ and this helped me considerably in keeping my own goals in perspective when the going was tough. I was blessed to have a supportive husband who did everything he could to make me more comfortable while nursing to help me stay sane. I also have many awesome nursing friends whose shared experiences made me understand that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. I wish that all the other women out there who are struggling with nursing to find the strength to continue on regardless if they are as supported as I was. It is worth every effort, I promise!

~Blessed be,Wolfmother~

I Wonder - Guest Post by Hybrid Rasta Mama

**Today I am honored to introduce a fabulous guest post by Hybrid Rasta Mama, one of my favorite writers in the conscious parenting blogosphere! Be sure to check out her blog and show her some love!**

I Wonder

Asking questions is synonymous with childhood. Although each individual child’s level of inquisitiveness will vary, you can bet that around the age of three the word “why” will enter your child’s vocabulary in a big way.
Fortunately, my daughter is six months away from the “why” milestone. However, I have many friends who are in the throes of the endless barrage of questions and I have observed two commonalities amongst these parents.

1. They tend to feel obligated to provide a logical response to most every question asked;

2. When the “question diarrhea” becomes overwhelming, annoying, or inconvenient, said parents resort to responses like “because,” “that’s just the way it is,” “ask your father” and “I don’t know.”

I would like to offer some food for thought when it comes to addressing children’s questions. First, children’s inquiring minds should be encouraged and not looked on as an annoyance. When they enter the age of questioning the world, it is a beautiful developmental milestone and parents need to embrace it. Children are born with a sense of wonder and our jobs as parents is to open the portal and allow that wonder to flow free. So how can we do this?

A child asks, “Mama, why does the sun go away at night?” Instead of saying “So the moon can come out” or launching into a diatribe about the daily solar and lunar cycles, it is better to simply say, “I wonder….”

By responding to your child with these two simple words you are allowing him or her to engage their imagination, their curiosity, and their creativity. You are allowing them to open their minds to both the plausible and the fantasy. Most children will pause momentarily after being told “I wonder” and will take a breath or two before expressing their newly formed thoughts on whatever question was burning in their minds. You might get a response such as “the sun must go away because it was crowded out by the stars dancing across the sky” or something more matter of fact like “the sun needs sleep too.” Whatever the response, you as a parent are allowing your child the opportunity to draw a conclusion without our adult logic and wisdom getting in the way. You are setting their awe and wonder free.

Yes, there are times when a question warrants a direct response. By all means, if your child asks where the bathroom is in a strange situation, do not reply with “hmmmm, I wonder.” In addition, certain situations may require a basic response to aid the child in understanding a situation at hand. For example, if a child sees a homeless person and appears scared of that person’s appearance, it is certainly beneficial for the parent to respond to a question from the child about why the homeless person looks a certain way or is acting a certain way. Keep it simple and age appropriate. No need to orate on the economic woes that have befallen so many. Use your response as an opportunity to show your child empathy.

Something I often hear parents ask after a child asks them a question is “what do you think?” Although not detrimental to a child’s inquiring mind, asking a child to “think” as opposed to encouraging them to “wonder” is not nearly as beneficial to them. Children have the entire rest of their lives to “think.” The awe, wonder, inspiration, and joy of childhood is fleeting and children are much better served by parents who cultivate their natural curiosity with all that life offers.

What about the child whose curiosity is never satiated by a parent who responds with “I wonder?” Yes, there are children who will continue to ask questions despite a parent’s attempt at getting them to draw their own creative conclusions. In this situation, it would be appropriate (and would probably provide some sanity for the parent) to encourage a sense of wonder by responding as follows:

Child: “Why are the ants all walking in a line?”

Mother: “Hmmmm, I wonder.”

Child: “I wonder too. Why are the ants all walking in a line?”

Mother: “Hmmmm….”

Child: “But mama, WHY are the ants doing that?”

Mother: “I wonder if the ants are marching in a line so no one gets lost.” OR “I wonder if the ants are marching in a line because they are having a parade.”

Child: “Why would the ants get lost?”

Mother: “I wonder that myself.”

Child: “Why would they get lost? Don’t they know the way?”

Mother: “I wonder if ants have maps like we do to find their way.”

Certainly, there comes a point where you need to cut off a conversation and just allow a child to dwell on the conversation and get lost in their thoughts. It is appropriate to tell your child that he or she may do something else. When I worked in a preschool and was chasing my tail with the one child who just did not respond to any encouragement towards wonder, I would say something like “my mind is tired from wondering. I would like it if you could tell me about your favorite shirt. Perhaps we could go put away the blocks.” We all have our limits!

Next time your child asks you a question, I have you take pause and allow them to wonder. The responses will undoubtedly be rich, entertaining, and awe-inspiring. It might just get your adult mind to see things in a whole new light.

Blessings,

Jennifer

About Hybrid Rasta Mama
Jennifer, author of Hybrid Rasta Mama, lives in the Sacramento, CA area with her husband and can be found blogging about breastfeeding (especially extended breastfeeding), bed-sharing, co-sleeping, attachment parenting, cloth diapering, green living, babywearing, peaceful parenting, a Waldorf approach to education and parenting, playful parenting, getting children outside, as well as cooking and eating Real/Traditional Foods. A life-long lover of reggae music, Jennifer takes a little of this and a little of that and blends it all together into something that works for her family.

You can find Jennifer/Hybrid Rasta Mama at her BLOG, FB PAGE, TWITTER FEED, or PINTEREST!

Breastfeeding a 14 Month Old is...

*This is my submission for World Breastfeeding Week, hope you enjoy!*

..becoming accustomed to having your nipples twisted into various directions because their attention span is that of a goldfish.

...sometimes putting up with a cheeky smile as they nibble on you to see your reaction, then deftly roll away shrieking excitedly into the sunset.

...realising that you may no longer feel anymore let-downs or have your boobs swell up with milk but knowing that you are still producing exactly the right amount for your toddler.

...still aggravating to your husband who may not have touched your boobs since the baby was born but he damn well better keep his distance because the wear and tear from a toddler is sometimes worse.

...never needing a blankie, or cookie, or binky, or teddy bear to soothe them from an injury or hurt feelings because you already possess all you need.

...waking up to a baby already latched on while you were sleeping, nursing upside-down no less.

... satisfying when you’re out and too broke to buy them something at Tim-Hortons.

...having to fish out your toddler’s arm from your blouse in public as they thought to grab a drink RIGHT NOW.

...getting lots of contented boobie-hugs by a smiley baby with milk coming out the corner of their mouths.

...exhausting sometimes, especially when you’re trying to vacuum and your toddler is hanging by one tit.

...exhilarating when you meet up with other mothers of still breastfeed their toddlers and you high five each other on this awesome accomplishment.

...causing a ruckus when you’re out in public because people have forgotten what boobs are really for and are insulted than you aren’t simply flashing them for their amusement.

...being amazed by the many shapes your breasts have taken since beginning this nursing journey, as they seem to morph as you go along.

...simply the most efficient way to give your child the best nutrients you can provide without fear of additives, genetic manipulation, or hidden costs.

YAY FOR BOOBS!

***

I’m celebrating World Breastfeeding Week with Natural Parents Network!

You can, too — link up your breastfeeding posts from August 1-7 in the linky below, and enjoy reading, commenting on, and sharing the posts collected here and on Natural Parents Network.

(Visit NPN for the code to place on your blog.)

Am I An Adult Yet?

There are days that I question whether I’m really cut out for this whole parenting responsibility, especially when I am not working from a stable base emotionally and I fail to parent according to my child-rearing philosophies. It is humbling in those moments thinking about how lost I am and I question whether I am mature enough to be the mom I want to be. I know that I am not alone in this sentiment, as other moms experience this everywhere, but I still wonder sometimes whether getting pregnant at this point in my life was a good idea.

Today I was musing about my current challenge with my son –dealing with aggressive outbursts of emotion—and I felt overwhelmed by the fear of not being able to find an appropriate solution to helping us resolve this issue. All the child development research I have done over the years did not prepare me with the emotional investment I have with my son and how much his distress distresses ME. It is different when you tackle behaviour issues with children in childcare because the connection you have with them is more professional than personal. It makes me anxious seeing how overwhelmed my son is by his emotions and I do not know how to help him all of a sudden. The root of the issue is really that I have no clue how to handle difficult emotions myself and that makes me incompetent in teaching him healthy ways to do so either. My own unresolved issues about emotional intelligence makes me question my ability to parent and I feel like I am still a child myself in some ways.

How do you know when you’ve grown up? How to you gauge that? I have it my head that adults are people who know their place in the world and make choices confidently and with unfettered access to age-old wisdom and common sense. I often still feel like a child despite giving birth to one, stumbling through life wondering how I am going to overcome the next challenge, while other days I am the most confident know-it-all in the universe. Until I had my son, I was mostly the know-it-all, believing in my ability to get through anything life throws at me and now I often question myself which is a good thing and a bad thing I suppose. It is humbling and that is a good thing because my ego needs to be checked sometimes but it is also overwhelming too and that scares me. It makes me wonder whether it is just me that feels like I am groping blindly in the dark when it comes to parenting and that I am simply not mature enough yet to be a good parent or whether this kind of self-doubt is normal for mothers at any age. I mean, I’m not super young or anything, having had my son at 23 and now going on 25, but the current trend is to wait till your thirties before starting a family and I wonder whether that would have been a better choice for me. Am I adult enough yet to parent a child?

Becoming a mother has been helping me grow as a person so much because my son forces me to acknowledge my issues and deal with them because they affect him and that is my responsibility. It is this duty that is overwhelming, especially when the first thing I want to do when I uncover one of my subconscious patterns is to deny it and pretend it doesn’t exist. Putting forth the effort to changing my negative habits and beliefs is no easy task and the procrastinator in me objects to this challenge. But my son is my motivation and so I keep trying to become the mom he deserves, even though I don’t always know how. I wonder if this desire to change in order to take better care of myself and my family is what finally makes me a mature adult.