Parenting when a spouse is away can be stressful so here are some pointers that I follow that help me stay emotionally stable when my husband is away with work for months at a time.
Prepare for your partner’s absence beforehand as much as possible, especially with financial matters. When everything is aligned, it goes so much smoother when you also have to parent alone. Iron out any details they leave so that you are fully aware of all the responsibilities you will be taking over while they are away. With the nature of my husband job, we got very little notice before he left for eight months, which meant that I had to scramble trying to make sure everything was sorted out and that created a lot of stress for me. Smartly though, I enrolled the help of some very generous friends to ensure everything was sorted out in the least amount of time so that I could get my routine back in order. I do not wish that chaotic period on anyone. The more disorder you can prevent, the better.
Develop a predictable routine that your children can rely on that offers some stability. Not only does it reduce some anxiety for your kids, it also helps you organize your day easier around their needs. With Leo I follow a very simple structure to our day. In the morning when we wake up I have my coffee while he engages in quiet free play until breakfast. Then we eat, clean up and get dressed for the day and then go for our morning walk to the park. On our way back sometimes Leo has a nap but more often than not these days he powers through lunch and then has his nap afterwards for a few hours. Upon waking we then use this block of time before supper to do any errands. This time of day varies from day to day but since his day follows a general pattern it doesn’t affect him. After supper we play together until bath time and then we wind down by watching a movie or reading books until he gets sleepy and asks to nurse while being worn in the wrap.
Learn to let go. Some things are going to take the back burner while your spouse is away and that is okay, especially if it preserves your sanity. Got some dirty dishes from two days ago? Leave them if it means you get some more sleep. Your physical and emotional health is more important than appearances and even social pursuits. If you do not have the time or energy to attend every social gathering your used to showing up at, that is okay too. When you’re busy, you’re busy. A good friend will understand if you cannot make it to their house for a visit because you have to deal with another toddler emotional meltdown or are too tired to haul your kids out of the house again. Unlike when you have a partner to split the errands, you now have to take them everywhere you go and that means they have a shorter tolerance for excursions. If you’ve already met your out-of-the-house activity quota, don’t feel pressured to attend an event to preserve other people’s feelings. Find an alternate way to stay connected that doesn’t tax your further like hosting playdates yourself, or writing letters or emails until you feel up to hanging out in person. I neglected my friends as I was sorting out things after my husband left and was MIA for a few weeks and though it was noticed and I was told that I was missed, there was no pressure put on me to give a little extra when I had none to spare and for that I was grateful. The little time I had to myself, I used for myself and that kept me sane. Another thing that may be neglected is housework, hobbies, and personal hygiene. That is okay too but only in moderation. You WILL have to shower eventually for the sake of everyone in your vicinity. Find the pockets of time to tend to such things as you get them.
Develop a self-care routine than helps you regain your focus and discharge any stressful energy so that you are grounded for the next day. Find something to do that is fun but allows you the time to reflect on your daily activities and sort through your emotions. A frazzled mom creates anxious children and that’s when it can snowball into disruptive behaviour and create more stress. I tend to stay up a few hours later than Leo so that I can either write about my day to my husband overseas, or journal or blog, or even just scrapbook while thinking about all that transpired that day. This little me time goes a long way to relaxing me enough to sleep peacefully at night and wake up ready for the next day.
Know your limits. Be aware of the signs that you are beginning to get overwhelmed and seek the support you need to stay aligned with your parenting goals. Single parenting is no easy feat, even if it is only temporary. It is far healthier for all parties if you request support when you need it rather than trying to do everything on your own out of pride. You won’t be doing anyone any favours by remaining in a state of high stress, least of all yourself so seek out the appropriate help. When I am feeling frazzled, I usually seek emotional support first from my friends online and ask for any input for any problems I may be facing. Sometimes this is all I need, but other times I need someone to physically step in and I am lucky to have some family right now who are able to give me a much needed break when I need it. When I utilize outside help with my winding-down routine at night, it really helps to de-stress me enough to actually enjoy parenting without my husband.
Above all else, tell yourself that you can do this! Find your own parenting groove and find ways to thrive despite being on your own for the time being. You’ll be amazed at how empowering it can be. You might find it actually pleasurable to be running the show! Be sure to hand over some of the reins when your partner gets back though otherwise they’ll feel unneeded and that causes all sort of issues, especially with men. :P
This week’s edition of Sunday Surf is about giving toddlers appropriate freedoms that support their physical and emotional development. It is too easy to get caught up in protecting our babies that we forget that they need to experience their own ups and downs and be taught instead how to get through them appropriately. 
