Crunchy on the Inside

Welcome to the "I'm a Natural Parent - BUT..." Carnival

This post was written for inclusion in the carnival hosted by The Artful Mama and Natural Parents Network. During this carnival our participants have focused on the many different forms and shapes Natural Parenting can take in our community.

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There is much confusion about what constitutes being a natural or attachment parent but to me it is quite simple and has nothing to do with what many typically view this ‘trend’ as being.

It isn’t about babywearing, exclusively breastfeeding, staying at home with the kids, cloth diapering, or eating wholly organic foods. Nor is it about always being aware of our children’s physical and emotional needs, or always being calm and collected when they are not, or being educated in the most psychologically healthy way to deal with every conflict. It isn’t about always being the epitome of an emotionally stable adult all the time, able to accomplish many goals at once and appear successful, or have well-behaved and happy children in every single moment. Nor is it about listening to indie music while birthing in your own bathtub, forgoing shaving your body hair indefinitely, attending every nurse-in on the interweb, or only using toxic-free products.

It isn’t having or being all these things, but it IS about growth and connection. The difference between this ‘style’ of parenting compared to the traditional model is the belief that we are responsible for our relationship with our children and our overall family harmony and so make the effort to adjust not only their behavior when warranted, but also our own. It is about the effort we put into making amends when we inevitably make mistakes, forgiving one another while we strive to find a healthy balance in our family life. It is the idea that everyone’s needs are valid and deserve to be respected and honored within the family system in order to achieve a healthy home environment where everyone thrives but not at another’s cost. How this is achieved varies from one family to the next.

Any parent who consciously chooses to adapt and adjust themselves and their lives in order to meet their children’s needs while respecting their own in my mind is an attached and natural parent. How they go about it, as long as it is done with compassion and respect, is ALL GOOD.

Here are some ways that I personally conflict with the ‘attached’ or ‘natural’ stereotype and why it does not mean anything really:

Babywearing is a tool not a requirement
I personally have used both carriers and strollers, depending on my child’s need. My son enjoyed a stretchy carrier for the first few months, then he preferred a structured carrier from time to time coupled with stroller use during outings. Now he dislikes being confined in a carrier and will allow stroller use sometimes but mostly prefers to be free to run around. Am I less of an attached or natural mom because I do not babywear anymore? Of course not, because being aware and adapting to my son’s needs is the main goal of course.

Cloth diapering isn’t always convenient
I have used both types of diapering and each have their pros and cons. I mainly cloth diapered when my son was younger but I also used disposables during outings when carrying all the necessary accoutrements was inconvenient. Also, when I lived in a small two bedroom apartment where I had to pay a small fortune to do laundry, I bought disposables because it was more economical, even more so than hiring an outside company for cloth diaper cleaning. You do what you gotta do with what you got.

Naturally birthing doesn’t always happen
I planned a natural home water birth but unforeseen medical issues meant a hospital transfer where all sorts on interventions happened and I had to adjust accordingly. It was an emotional roller coaster but we managed to not only survive, but thrive despite it and we are as well bonded as we can be. Does this make homebirthing not a worthy goal? Or course not, but it isn’t the end of the world either. I still managed to meet my son’s emotional/physical needs despite not giving him the gentle birth I intended.

Exclusively Breastfeeding is for the fortunate
I was lucky enough to have the financial, emotional, and physical support to meet my goal of exclusively breastfeeding for several months (including never even using bottles), as well as extend breastfeed still, but that is not everyone’s situation. I just had the right ducks lined up as well as having made some particular choices that allowed me this privilege (well it should be a right but that’s beyond the scope of this post!) but that does not mean other moms are less ‘attached’ or ‘natural’ if they have to make do with different options. If the baby is fed safely and respectfully, you’re awesome.

Fashionably eclectic is actually cool
Sometimes I look like a hippie with my flowing skirts, makeup-free face, handmade jewellery while touting my latest book on Goddess worship in the new-age – but then I look like a rocker chick with my edgy haircut, sexy smoky eyes, leather jacket and ipod updated with the latest Killswitch Engage tune blaring in my ears. Other days I’m strutting around in my Lulu Lemon pants doing yoga while my toddler nurses simultaneously and I’m sipping on organic nettle and peppermint tea - OR I’m even wearing whatever is clean at the time while trying to get my slow-cooker started so that we have something to eat for supper while trying to do some housecleaning and I haven’t showered all day. Regardless what I look like, I’m always an attached parent because what my appearance is does not reflect my relationship with my family.
Being a natural parent is an ATTITUDE towards the parent-child relationship. It requires the ability to adapt depending on the circumstances and making choices that reflect our family’s needs, regardless of how it looks to others because that is what is needed in that moment. It means adjusting to maintain a comfortable rhythm and balance within the family, nurturing each interpersonal relationship and as such, it looks different for each family but the underlying philosophy is the same: that everyone’s needs matters and will be honored.

There were times that I felt like I was missing the mark in my parenting goals, not necessarily because I was not 'fitting the mold' per se, but because I was not meeting my own expectations when it came to my own behavior. I was raised under traditional parenting values and I want to move away from that type of parent-child relationship and it’s HARD to go against this kind of conditioning. When I fail to meet my ideal parenting groove, I've learned to forgive myself and simply work on the areas that need improvement. If that means that I don't always seem like an 'attachment-parent', that's okay because I'm always BECOMING, like everybody else. I may not always seem crunchy on the outside but I definitely am on the inside!

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This carnival was created by The Artful Mama and Natural Parents Network. We recognize that "natural parenting" means different things to different families, and we are dedicated to providing a safe place for all families, regardless of where they are in their parenting journeys.

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

• My kid is a technophile — Jenn at Monkey Butt Junction hasn't turned in her natural parenting card yet, even though her son prefers electronic toys
• I'm a Natural Parent, but...I use medicine! — Adrienne at Mommying My Way admits that while she hesitates to do so, sometimes she does give her son some medicine when his symptoms get really bad.
• I'm Only Half Planning a Natural Birth — Shannon at The Artful Mama discloses how she is planning her semi-natural hospital birth and still dares to call herself a Natural Parent.
• Why we aren't rear facing — Shannon at Pineapples & Artichokes talks about her decision to turn her one-year-old daughter's carseat around, and how the argument always given for extended rear facing makes her feel.
• Musings of an Almost Crunchy Momma — Valerie at Momma in Progress re-examines her list of natural parenting litmus tests.
• Natural Parenting Does Not Equal Perfect Parenting — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama admits to several not-so-natural parenting and lifestyle practices.
• 10 Reasons to Revoke My Natural Parent Card — Laura at WaldenMommy: Life Behind the Red Front Door discusses why some of her less-than-crunchy practices are better for her family.
• I'm a Natural Parent - BUT... MacNCheese is Awesome. — Jennifer at True Confessions of a Real Mommy reveals her penchant for some far from healthy eating, cheap food recipes.
• Crunchy on the Inside — Wolfmother at Fabulous Mama Chronicles muses about how the stereotype of a natural parent does not do justice to the very dynamic group that this parenting philosophy attracts.
• My Reality — Megan from The Other Baby Book confesses a few things about her parenting.
• I'm Crunchy But... — Christy at Mommy Outnumbered shares confessions on all of her "non" crunchy ways.
• I'm A Natural Parent, But...it took me awhile — It took Kerry at City Kids Homeschooling awhile before fully understanding and appreciating Natural Parenting.
• I Am Not a Perfect Natural Parent — Momma Jorje shares her dirty little secrets as a mostly natural parent.
• Crunchy, But Not Crunchier Than Thou — Instead of comparing yourself to others, Dionna at Code Name: Mama encourages you to give yourself permission to be as crunchy as you can for right now.
• I’m a natural parent but…I love bedtimes — Terri at Child of the Nature Isle would never let her children cry-it-out, but she has a selection of other methods to encourage early bedtimes.
• I'm a Natural Parent - BUT... — Lani at Boobie Time Blog believes that following the principles of Natural Parenting doesn't mean you fit a stereotypical mold of societal view.
• Confessions of a Low Supply Mom — Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children confesses her insecurities about being a low supply mom.
• I'm a natural parent, but. . . — Not eating her placenta is just one of the ways Ashley at Mama Raw falls short at being a natural parent.
• I'm a Natural Parent But...I have a Few Confessions — Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment strives to be a Natural Mama, but wait, she has a few confessions!
• I'm a Natural Parent BUT — Carrie at LoveNotesMama confesses her gratitude for disposable diapers.
• Intestinal Dissection — Melissa from White Noise talks about how imperfection can be beautiful when it is buffered with love.
• How much sugar is too much? — Tat at Mum in Search shares how her no-sugar policy evolved into a balancing act, with the balance point not where she'd like to see it.
• I'm a Natural Parent, but. . . — Amyables at Toddler In Tow talks about three of her parenting habits that are not super "natural."
• Minus Ten Crunchy Points — Joella at Fine and Fair discusses how some of her parenting choices seen as "too crunchy" by those she knows in real life could get her kicked out of the crunchy mom clubs online.
• The Natural Parent "Model" — Kym at Our Crazy Corner of the World talks about her love for not-so-natural cosmetics and beauty products.
• Nice to meet you. — Eileen at Love & Greens talks about how being a natural mama means something different to her every day.
• I’m a natural parent…BUT… — Ashley at Daisy Pedals touches on several natural parenting topics; from cloth diapers to cleaning with natural cleaners.
• I'm a natural parent, but you'd be surprised — Lauren at Hobo Mama confesses to liking diet soda and TV and having lost all her reusable shopping bags.
• I’m a Natural Parent, but…. I don’t shop local — Luschka at Diary of a First Child confesses one of her greatest 'natural' failures - she doesn't shop local and support her community, despite wishing she could.
• Who You Callin' Natural? (a Carnival of Natural Parenting Contribution) — A bit of premise exposition, some tongue-in-cheek filler, and a photographic list of all the ways Embrita Blogging cheats at being natural.
• Dirty Secrets of a Green & Natural Mama (and Why I'm Not Afraid to Share Them!) — Charise at I Thought I Knew Mama shares her definition of what it means to be a perfect mama as well as a few of her dirty little secrets.
• Green Mommy Guilt — Jen at Jen and Joey Green talks about how being a perfect Green Mom is overrated.
• Life Coping Devices — Amy at Anktangle discusses two ("non-AP") coping strategies her family has used for getting through difficult times with her son: the pacifier and the stroller.
• We use disposable diapers. There. I said it. — The mama at Our Muddy Boots shares a bed, nurses her 4 year old, is vegetarian, and is committed to homeschooling; but Pampers adorn her child's bottom. Ugh!
• Committed to Cloth, but... — Sheila at A Living Family affirms her love of cloth diapering, despite the draw of disposables.
• Natural Parenting as a Doorway to Deep Truths — Amy from Peace for Parents guest posts at Natural Parents Network and shares how for her "natural parenting" is much less about a definition and much more an avenue to explore truths of life.
• Chicken No-nos — Jessica at Pace Family Place strives to live naturally but feeds her oldest son some not-so natural things