It has been a long time coming (as my husband has pointed out to me gently), but I have recently made the difficult choice of slowly weaning my son as a means of restoring equilibrium to our home environment, and especially to my mental health. It has become increasingly apparent to me that nursing my 21 month old no longer brings me pleasure but makes me anxious and irate and this in turn has affected the way I have been relating to him on a daily basis. I have been behaving in ways that embarrass me because they are not how I want to parent but I feel disjointed because of the commitment nursing demands of me which I can no longer meet without overlooking my own needs.
Breastfeeding has not been easy for me, with my initial struggles due to health issues and emotional issues like the PPD I am still recovering from, but it has all-in-all been a beautiful journey. I have greatly enjoyed giving this of myself to my son despite everything I have gone through because of the peace and joy it has brought him but I feel that it is no longer beneficial to us to continue as we have. Our nursing relationship right now is aggravating me, from no fault of his, but simply because I am no longer able to physically tolerate the sensation of breastfeeding anymore essentially. When my son latches on, the feelings of aversion, anxiety, and anger are no longer manageable and I catch myself breaking down emotionally when he signals that he wants to nurse for comfort. I am not a very nurturing and comforting mother when I stiffen up and grit my teeth. I also sometimes curse under my breath which he definitely picks up on too and it troubles him. It is the most difficult at night when he wants to nurse back to sleep from every little night waking which only serves to increase my ire and make me a veritable beast which is not fair to him (I really am no good on little sleep to begin with either).
I am heartbroken because in my mind breastfeeding is a beautiful gift that I want to give my son for as long as he feels that he needs it, but I can no longer ignore how it affects me and in turn, affects our family as a whole because I am so unsettled. I think that what troubles me the most is that I am disappointed that ‘extended nursing’ is not working out for us when it is something I greatly looked forward to when we decided to start our family. I had wanted to nurse for at least the recommended two years, which we may just make it to, but it will not be by nursing on demand anymore. I just can’t handle it anymore.
And so I have been slowly transitioning my son to seeking other forms of comfort when distressed as a means of preserving our nursing relationship as much as I can without sacrificing my well-being along with it. Since he has been able to understand and adhere to simple directions and concepts for some months now, such as when I say: ”Daddy is at work” he knows that though he is gone right now that he will be back later and does not become anxious anymore, he has been able to grasp some boundaries I have put in place when it comes to nursing. It has taken a few weeks of consistency (and he sometimes still needs to be reminded and allowed to express his distress over it gently) but now he knows that we only nurse to sleep for a few minutes on each breast during our afternoon nap and for bedtime. If he wakes up during this time, instead of being nursed automatically back to sleep, he is now gently rocked to sleep or has his backed rubbed. Sometimes he still struggles with this fairly new routine and still asks to nurse from time to time outside of those ‘windows of opportunity’ but has been recovering more quickly from my initial rejection and accepts other options. He now (mostly) automatically asks to be rocked or carried around for a little bit or given kisses and hugs when distressed which has been a great relief for me. It has allowed me to really appreciate those few instances that we do nurse because it no longer exceeds my emotional tolerance for it.
Once he is comfortable with these new boundaries and is able to follow them without constant reminder, the next step is to replace nursing to sleep with another gentle bedtime routine that brings him the same level of comfort and relaxation. My aim is to be able to put him down to bed without having to knock him out first but there is no rush to this, as he is still quite young.
I feel that gently phasing out nursing over time is going to help me enjoy motherhood again as I will no longer be on edge all the time. Although I would love to still be nursing him when we are ready to have another child and tandem feed, I feel that it isn’t in our best interest because of the emotional reaction I have to nursing one child already. In a way I grieve this loss but I am able to accept that I have underlying issues that I need to address and that is okay. What is important to me is that the transition is as gentle on him as possible and both our needs are met, even if it isn’t in the form we originally anticipated.
Thank you for being brave enough to blog so honestly about this. I'm sure your son will benefit greatly from the example of self-care you're setting for him, and the gentleness you're extending to yourself as well as to him.
ReplyDeleteI have been debating posting this for a while too since I was personally embarrassed that I needed to start this process since I enjoy advocating for healthy nursing relationships but there you have it. I have to accept my limitations and respect my needs as well, even if it isn't the 'image' of motherhood that I wanted. What is important in the end is that everyone is happy and emotionally stable. I keep forgetting that my needs matter too. Hehe.
Deletethat is such a sweet story of a mothers sacrifice. We are all created differently that is for sure. If you have not read the 5 love languages book it might help you to understand for yourself why what you have done and continue to do now is really what's best. I am a tactile person so nursing my children until they were 4 was best for us.A friend of mine cannot stand to be touched and struggled to nurse for 3 months most of that time pumping and bottle feeding breast milk because of the anger and resentment she felt by being "tied down" with nursing. I for one am very proud of you for making it past the 12 mo mark I understand how hard it is for a mother who doesn't like the feeling to continue nursing. . He will grow to be a loving kind caring giving little man because of the effort you have made to put his best interest first while still making sure you are the best mother you can be for him.
ReplyDeleteI definitely have some 'touch' issues, and much prefer being left alone than being physically intimate with anyone for extended periods of time but I have become better at going beyond my comfort zone within the last couple years. However I do have my limits and I feel that nursing on demand for 20 months has given me the needed exercise in pushing my physical limits but now it is time for me to set some boundaries for my own well-being. I can totally understand why some mothers consciously choose not to breastfeed because it isn't always pleasant (for me anyways) and we all have our individual preferences. This journey certainly has opened my heart to why women make various feeding choices for children.
DeleteI feel the same way! I really wanted to nurse my daughter for 2 years. She is now 20 months and though at times I love it, there are times when I am now bothered - very bothered! She spends more time on me than doing anything else ~ I know it's for comfort and attention, and I love to give it to her, but it is starting to effect my feelings, esp. at night now, as she still wakes at least 6 times and sometimes I find myself feeling stifled and angry! So glad I am not alone! - Unsettled is the perfect word to describe it! Thank you for sharing! - sharing on my page now!
ReplyDeleteDawn (Raising Natural Kids)
UNSETTLED, yes! That's it. Although I have noticed that it isn't always about just the nursing either. My son would nurse more when anxious so when I addressed that, the nursing a lot diminished. It also diminished at night when I changed our sleeping arrangements to suit his preferences and now he only wakes maybe once or twice, thank goodness! It is a trial-and-error process, really.
Deleteso great to hear your words.
ReplyDeletei felt very proud of our weaning experience at 29 months. it was time for both of us. i was getting irritable. when i realized i resented how drained i felt. i knew it was time.
my daughter is allowed to be close to my skin. however we talked about how i need to stop making milk because it's hard on my system and i joke with her that i cant eat enough food, etc. it's been a relief to get my body back. and my hormones balanced again!
Ah yes the hormones, that would be nice to get sorted out again!
Deleteso good to read - thanks for sharing
ReplyDeleteThere's something about that age...20-24 months that was really hard for me to deal with as well! I actually *admire* you for thoughtfully caring for both his needs and yours. You've given him so much, and it sounds like the way you're transitioning will also benefit him greatly!
ReplyDeleteI'm still nursing my 2 yo, but have also put limits on, and I am much more quick to tell her when I need a break, or when I am too frustrated to nurse and ask her to wait until I'm ready again. Night weaning has STILL not happened for us... though I hope it will soon. We've tried a few times and I have such a hard time being consistent while half asleep that it's been a bit trying for both of us.
Just found your blog and can't wait to read more about your mothering journey! :)
As a follow-up I am still nursing my son just not as often. I've manged to knock off another feeding (naptime) by taking him out for walks where he promptly falls asleep for a couple hours. So now he just nurses to sleep at bedtime. If he wakes during the night I often allow one feeding but try to rub his back until he falls asleep instead. As for comforting, he often asks to hold my boob or kiss my boobie, showing much affection for them. He also likes to nurse his toys on them when they are 'sad'. So I can tell that he is still very much attached to them and to nursing but the boundaries I've set make our relationship groovy again and he has adjusted well to the changes. We slowly transitioned him into his own bed in his own room which helped considerably with night wakings and wanting to nurse. He sleeps better there now too. This has helped tremendously with not having to nurse him to sleep all night because I've woken him accidentally with my flailing arms. I hope you find a transitioning solution that works for you!
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