Guest Post - Joella from Fine and Fair - Forgiveness and Relationship Repair

***Joella writes at Fine and Fair, a blog primarily comprised of letters to her daughter. Fine and Fair is focused on the ups and downs along the journey of raising her daughter as a responsible citizen of the world with the values of compassion toward all living things, environmental responsibility, conservation, and celebrating diversity in all of its forms. Fine and Fair can also be found on twitter and facebook.*** 

When keeping in mind your ideal vision of how you wish to parent, what area are you the most hard on yourself with and why?

As someone who values the ideals of attachment parenting and who also who values the work I do, I tend to be hardest on myself for not being able to "do it all". For far too long, I tried to maintain the work of a full-time stay-at-home mom while also going to school and working part-time. It's really no surprise that juggling all of that was not sustainable, but I couldn't help but feel like I had failed when I admitted that as just one woman, I couldn't do it all by myself. 

I think the reason why I've been hard on myself over not being able to be perfect at all of the above is because I have always placed so much value at excelling in everything I set forth to do. It's not enough to be an attached parent, I must be the best! attached! parent! ever! It's not enough to be a student, I must be the best! student! ever! I am coming around to the realization that I need to focus on being the best! me! ever! which means embracing my imperfections, knowing my limitations, and asking for and accepting help when and where I need it. 

What is the most difficult issue you have with your child(ren) currently that often results in power struggles and disconnection? 

For the most part, I strive to avoid power struggles at all costs. In the interest of embracing my imperfections, I have recently started to struggle a bit with getting Delilah to sleep, particularly at nap times. My parenting philosophy includes an emphasis on the importance of parenting children to sleep, but at the same time, my schedule doesn't allow for me to spend much more than 15 minutes or so to that end. I get frustrated when Delilah won't go down easily for a nap or for bedtime, because I so value having that time to myself (or with my husband) while she sleeps. 

How do you overcome it?  

I recently read The Division of Responsibility in Sleeping on Hobo Mama's blog, which served as a gentle reminder that I cannot force my daughter to go to sleep. Perhaps more importantly, it made me realize that I am not required to remain with her until she falls asleep, either. After all, I wouldn't have an easy time drifting off with someone near me who was feeling stressed and anxious about staying with me until I fell asleep! 

I overcome it by realizing that I can be an effective and gentle night-time (or nap-time) parent by allowing my daughter to fall asleep in her own time and in her own way. I can make sure that she's comfortable and that her physical and emotional needs are met, and then leave her to own devices to fall asleep. If she becomes distressed, I'll return to comfort her, but so long as she's content, I can have just as much "me-time" if she's quietly playing with her stuffed animals or flipping through her books as I can if she's in dreamland. 

Can you share a snippet of something you would say to your daughter after a moment of disconnection?

For starters, I either get down to her level or pick her up to bring her to mine so that she knows she has my attention. I always start with an apology, followed by an explanation (but I try to avoid making excuses) for the disconnection and a desire for it to be resolved. For example, I might scoop her up, kiss her, and say:

"Delilah, I'm sorry that I ignored you when you asked me to hold your doll. Mama has to get these dishes done before she goes to work so that Daddy has clean pans to cook your dinner in. I wish I could stay and play with you all night, but as soon as I'm done, we will play together until Daddy gets home; okay?"

What message do you wish to leave your child with about the intricacies of relationships that they can carry forward into their own?

I want for her to understand how important it is to never take relationships for granted. It is so vital to stay mindful in our relationships with others, remembering to ask how we can help meet the needs of our partners and friends, and to let them know how they can help us meet our own needs. We must be gentle with ourselves and ask forgiveness when we misstep, and gentle with our partners and friends and give forgiveness when they misstep. We mustn't be too proud to ask for or give forgiveness. We must continue to grow as individuals in our relationships, while being mindful to nurture our connections with those we love so that we don't lose them in our own growth spurts. Finally, no matter the challenges we face in our relationships, there must always be room for laughter!

If you like this piece, you can vote for Joella on Babble's Top 100 Mom Blogs!

January Week 04 Quote

“Mindful parenting is a continual process of deepening and refining our awareness and our ability to be present and to act wisely…an important part of the process is seeing ourselves with some degree of kindness and compassion. This includes seeing and accepting our limitations, our blindnesses, our humanness, and fallibility and working with them mindfully as best we can.”

–Everyday Blessings: The inner work of mindful parenting by Myla and Jon Kabat-Zinn

Just like a favorite blogger of mine once said: ”mothering is heavy!”. It is a complicated and yet wondrous responsibility that completely changes us inside and out, and these transformations are continuous along our mothering journey. That is why it does us good to accept ourselves at whatever stage we are at currently in our lives and to forgive ourselves the foibles we make because we are continuously GROWING as people too. By acknowledging our mistakes, owning them, setting them right and learning from them, we are setting up our children for overcoming their own obstacles in life and striving for personal growth themselves. Living is a process, and so is engaging in any relationship, including that with our children. It all begins with forgiveness and compassion, especially towards ourselves as fallible people and mothers. 

What does this quote say to you?

Sunday Surf – Taking Care of Our Selves

*I know it's not Sunday but I'm falling behind!!!! Her are some links to posts about nurturing ourselves in order to parent more authentically!*

It's All About You!

Nurturing Ourselves

Is Self-Care the Cosmic Joke of Motherhood?

On Becoming an Aspiring Mindful Mama

Mothering as an introvert

Finding Balance: October Carnival of Natural Parenting

January Affirmation - 02

Mindful Mothering Challenge#2

Last week I encouraged you to present to your children your desire to make positive changes in your relationship with them. How did you go about expressing that sentiment? How did they react? How did you feel afterwards?

Well my son, being 18 months, just looked at me questioningly as I babbled to him quite patiently and proceeded to then talk to me about balloons. I’m sure he gets the gist of it anyways. What’s important is that I am making the effort. My hubby gratefully noticed this as well, especially during the stressful situations we are currently faced with and has given me the much needed boost to continue improving as a conscious parent and wife. There is nothing like a pat on the back to keep you going!

This week’s challenge:

Although I often refer to mindfulness as a practice, it isn’t something that you need to learn exactly, but simply a muscle you already possess that just needs exercise. You have all that you need already within you to be able to live mindfully, you just need to bring awareness to it. This week’s challenge is about exercising those muscles with a very simply exercise that you can incorporate into your daily living without necessarily needing to ‘make time’ for it.

Breathing Awareness

A very simple way to begin practicing becoming more aware of yourself is by first taking note of your breathing. This is effective because it is something your body already knows how to do automatically, you just need to bring your awareness TO IT. It is also great because you don’t need to make time for it, as you are always doing it (unless you’re a zombie or a vampire but that’s another issue altogether). All that you need to do is to pay attention to how you feel as you inhale and exhale; imagining your breath animating your body and giving it life. After you do this for several breaths, take note on how you feel within your body and also your mind. Do you feel calmer, more relaxed, a little more grounded in the present moment? Whatever you happen to feel, make a note of it. Try and practice this throughout the day this week to warm up your awareness muscles.

You can also try this Mindful Awareness of Breathing Meditation by Cassandra Vieten, PhD, downloadable as an MP3. It is about 20-25 minutes long but you are not required to follow it in its entirety. You can practice as long as you like, increasing your ‘meditation’ time based on your growing capabilities and the time block you have to do so. If you allocate a particular time to listen to it while you are engaged in a daily activity like brushing your teeth, having a bath, or cooking dinner; you will most likely be more persistent in keeping up with it as a daily routine.

Additionally, try and incorporate this simple exercise during a time of distress and pause to take notice of your breath for a few moments. Notice how you handle the uncomfortable situation afterwards and share your insight with us next week for the next challenge!

Guest Post - African Babies Don't Cry

**Christine, author of African Babies Don’t Cry, is a teacher turned stay-at-home mom who is from South Africa. She lives on a game reserve with her nature conservation husband and son. Christine is passionate about natural nutrition having studied and researched it for much of her life. She blogs about her sons healthy diet, natural parenting and living as close to nature as possible. She advocates extended breastfeeding and does all she can to promote it in a community that has started to view this age old practice as ‘lower class’. She believes breastfeeding, co-sleeping and other natural parenting practices have helped make her son the energetic, bubbly and confident little man he is. In her spare time she enjoys taking her son for long walks, reading and writing. **

How do you cultivate mindfulness in your daily living?

Mindfulness, to me, is all about concentration. As long as you concentrate on your task at hand, you will do it to the best of your ability. This applies to parenting. Concentration on parenting means you are constantly striving to better yourself as a parent, you are actively engaging with your child in a meaningful manner and you value your relationship with your child. Not only is parenting about meeting our children’s physical needs but perhaps more importantly is meeting their psychological needs. Treating them with respect, honouring their views, needs and wants as genuine and important. I do feel, one of the biggest mistakes a mother can make, is to treat mothering as a part time chore whilst wallowing in self-indulgence. I make a concerted effort to concentrate on all that I do, whether it is hanging up the laundry or playing blocks with my son. Both the laundry and my son benefit from my full attention. I also try very hard to live life as simply as possibly, the more drama in one’s life, the more difficult it is to concentrate on others. I try to better myself as a person, and as a parent every day by following others examples.  

Share a situation you had with your child(ren) that cultivating mindfulness helped in finding a solution that respected everyone’s needs.  

Jesse was an unplanned pregnancy, although not unwanted, and whilst I spent my pregnancy finding myself as a mother and wife, I lapsed in concentrating on having child and all that that entailed. I did not explore my options when it came to the birthing etc, which I sorely regret. However, what I did do was follow my instincts. Jesse slept better when on my chest or beside me in the bed, he did not like his bassinet. I ignored all well-meaning advice and stories of baby smothering and kept him in the bed with me. This way Jesse and I both managed to get a lot more sleep. There are a few more examples, such as decided not to circumcise or vaccinate, where I followed my instincts. I am proud that I have managed to follow my gut feeling and even more proud, as I research more and more, to find that the choices I have made and are busy making are the best for my son, such as keeping him intact. I will continue to trust myself as the authority on what is best for my son, and make sure that I do the research back up this claim.

In what situation(s) do you find it the hardest to remain connected to your children and parent mindfully with them? How are you attempting to overcome it?

 In times of great stress, it is so easy to become disconnected from your child. It is so easy to fall into old patterns of self-pity and self-involvement. Of course, it is very difficult to eliminate all stress from life, although I do try. I have taken note of stressful triggers and do my best to avoid them. When stress is unavoidable, I am kind to myself, give my body extra rest, eat well and try my best to concentrate on my son and his emotions. Children pick up stress from parents so easily. Yoga is a good way to relieve stress in both yourself and your child. Laughter is another way to eliminate stress in both yourself and your child/ren. I try to meditate often and bring my attention back to parenting with concentration. 

How would you describe the process to becoming a mindful person?

 How do you eat an elephant? On bite at a time. An awful saying but one that my grandmother used my entire life. I repeat it to myself whenever anything seems impossible. At one point in my life, a calm existence seemed unattainable as one stressful event exploded after another. It took great planning and concentration to slow my life down. I am now on the path to a calm and mindful life and it has happened one step at a time. First I looked at my health, then I looked at others for support, guidance and advice. I am now at a point where I can trust myself to make decisions which will always keep me moving forward. 

What is a personal motto or affirmation you tell yourself that helps you stay anchored in mindfulness?

My son, Jesse, comes first, always. I have embraced motherhood in all its glory and all its not so great bits. I am truly ‘living the dream’ by being able to care for this little bundle of raw potential, and take guiding his potential very seriously. Of course I have a lot of fun along the way too!