Fabulous Mama Chronicles

Crunchy on the Inside

2012-02-26T12:33:00.001-08:00

Welcome to the "I'm a Natural Parent - BUT..." Carnival

This post was written for inclusion in the carnival hosted by The Artful Mama and Natural Parents Network. During this carnival our participants have focused on the many different forms and shapes Natural Parenting can take in our community.

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There is much confusion about what constitutes being a natural or attachment parent but to me it is quite simple and has nothing to do with what many typically view this ‘trend’ as being.

It isn’t about babywearing, exclusively breastfeeding, staying at home with the kids, cloth diapering, or eating wholly organic foods. Nor is it about always being aware of our children’s physical and emotional needs, or always being calm and collected when they are not, or being educated in the most psychologically healthy way to deal with every conflict. It isn’t about always being the epitome of an emotionally stable adult all the time, able to accomplish many goals at once and appear successful, or have well-behaved and happy children in every single moment. Nor is it about listening to indie music while birthing in your own bathtub, forgoing shaving your body hair indefinitely, attending every nurse-in on the interweb, or only using toxic-free products.

It isn’t having or being all these things, but it IS about growth and connection. The difference between this ‘style’ of parenting compared to the traditional model is the belief that we are responsible for our relationship with our children and our overall family harmony and so make the effort to adjust not only their behavior when warranted, but also our own. It is about the effort we put into making amends when we inevitably make mistakes, forgiving one another while we strive to find a healthy balance in our family life. It is the idea that everyone’s needs are valid and deserve to be respected and honored within the family system in order to achieve a healthy home environment where everyone thrives but not at another’s cost. How this is achieved varies from one family to the next.

Any parent who consciously chooses to adapt and adjust themselves and their lives in order to meet their children’s needs while respecting their own in my mind is an attached and natural parent. How they go about it, as long as it is done with compassion and respect, is ALL GOOD.

Here are some ways that I personally conflict with the ‘attached’ or ‘natural’ stereotype and why it does not mean anything really:

Babywearing is a tool not a requirement
I personally have used both carriers and strollers, depending on my child’s need. My son enjoyed a stretchy carrier for the first few months, then he preferred a structured carrier from time to time coupled with stroller use during outings. Now he dislikes being confined in a carrier and will allow stroller use sometimes but mostly prefers to be free to run around. Am I less of an attached or natural mom because I do not babywear anymore? Of course not, because being aware and adapting to my son’s needs is the main goal of course.

Cloth diapering isn’t always convenient
I have used both types of diapering and each have their pros and cons. I mainly cloth diapered when my son was younger but I also used disposables during outings when carrying all the necessary accoutrements was inconvenient. Also, when I lived in a small two bedroom apartment where I had to pay a small fortune to do laundry, I bought disposables because it was more economical, even more so than hiring an outside company for cloth diaper cleaning. You do what you gotta do with what you got.

Naturally birthing doesn’t always happen
I planned a natural home water birth but unforeseen medical issues meant a hospital transfer where all sorts on interventions happened and I had to adjust accordingly. It was an emotional roller coaster but we managed to not only survive, but thrive despite it and we are as well bonded as we can be. Does this make homebirthing not a worthy goal? Or course not, but it isn’t the end of the world either. I still managed to meet my son’s emotional/physical needs despite not giving him the gentle birth I intended.

Exclusively Breastfeeding is for the fortunate
I was lucky enough to have the financial, emotional, and physical support to meet my goal of exclusively breastfeeding for several months (including never even using bottles), as well as extend breastfeed still, but that is not everyone’s situation. I just had the right ducks lined up as well as having made some particular choices that allowed me this privilege (well it should be a right but that’s beyond the scope of this post!) but that does not mean other moms are less ‘attached’ or ‘natural’ if they have to make do with different options. If the baby is fed safely and respectfully, you’re awesome.

Fashionably eclectic is actually cool
Sometimes I look like a hippie with my flowing skirts, makeup-free face, handmade jewellery while touting my latest book on Goddess worship in the new-age – but then I look like a rocker chick with my edgy haircut, sexy smoky eyes, leather jacket and ipod updated with the latest Killswitch Engage tune blaring in my ears. Other days I’m strutting around in my Lulu Lemon pants doing yoga while my toddler nurses simultaneously and I’m sipping on organic nettle and peppermint tea - OR I’m even wearing whatever is clean at the time while trying to get my slow-cooker started so that we have something to eat for supper while trying to do some housecleaning and I haven’t showered all day. Regardless what I look like, I’m always an attached parent because what my appearance is does not reflect my relationship with my family.
Being a natural parent is an ATTITUDE towards the parent-child relationship. It requires the ability to adapt depending on the circumstances and making choices that reflect our family’s needs, regardless of how it looks to others because that is what is needed in that moment. It means adjusting to maintain a comfortable rhythm and balance within the family, nurturing each interpersonal relationship and as such, it looks different for each family but the underlying philosophy is the same: that everyone’s needs matters and will be honored.

There were times that I felt like I was missing the mark in my parenting goals, not necessarily because I was not 'fitting the mold' per se, but because I was not meeting my own expectations when it came to my own behavior. I was raised under traditional parenting values and I want to move away from that type of parent-child relationship and it’s HARD to go against this kind of conditioning. When I fail to meet my ideal parenting groove, I've learned to forgive myself and simply work on the areas that need improvement. If that means that I don't always seem like an 'attachment-parent', that's okay because I'm always BECOMING, like everybody else. I may not always seem crunchy on the outside but I definitely am on the inside!

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This carnival was created by The Artful Mama and Natural Parents Network. We recognize that "natural parenting" means different things to different families, and we are dedicated to providing a safe place for all families, regardless of where they are in their parenting journeys.

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

My kid is a technophile — Jenn at Monkey Butt Junction hasn't turned in her natural parenting card yet, even though her son prefers electronic toys
I'm a Natural Parent, but...I use medicine! — Adrienne at Mommying My Way admits that while she hesitates to do so, sometimes she does give her son some medicine when his symptoms get really bad.
I'm Only Half Planning a Natural Birth — Shannon at The Artful Mama discloses how she is planning her semi-natural hospital birth and still dares to call herself a Natural Parent.
Why we aren't rear facing — Shannon at Pineapples & Artichokes talks about her decision to turn her one-year-old daughter's carseat around, and how the argument always given for extended rear facing makes her feel.
Musings of an Almost Crunchy Momma — Valerie at Momma in Progress re-examines her list of natural parenting litmus tests.
Natural Parenting Does Not Equal Perfect Parenting — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama admits to several not-so-natural parenting and lifestyle practices.
10 Reasons to Revoke My Natural Parent Card — Laura at WaldenMommy: Life Behind the Red Front Door discusses why some of her less-than-crunchy practices are better for her family.
I'm a Natural Parent - BUT... MacNCheese is Awesome. — Jennifer at True Confessions of a Real Mommy reveals her penchant for some far from healthy eating, cheap food recipes.
Crunchy on the Inside — Wolfmother at Fabulous Mama Chronicles muses about how the stereotype of a natural parent does not do justice to the very dynamic group that this parenting philosophy attracts.
My Reality — Megan from The Other Baby Book confesses a few things about her parenting.
I'm Crunchy But... — Christy at Mommy Outnumbered shares confessions on all of her "non" crunchy ways.
I'm A Natural Parent, But...it took me awhile — It took Kerry at City Kids Homeschooling awhile before fully understanding and appreciating Natural Parenting.
I Am Not a Perfect Natural Parent — Momma Jorje shares her dirty little secrets as a mostly natural parent.
Crunchy, But Not Crunchier Than Thou — Instead of comparing yourself to others, Dionna at Code Name: Mama encourages you to give yourself permission to be as crunchy as you can for right now.
I’m a natural parent but…I love bedtimes — Terri at Child of the Nature Isle would never let her children cry-it-out, but she has a selection of other methods to encourage early bedtimes.
I'm a Natural Parent - BUT... — Lani at Boobie Time Blog believes that following the principles of Natural Parenting doesn't mean you fit a stereotypical mold of societal view.
Confessions of a Low Supply Mom — Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children confesses her insecurities about being a low supply mom.
I'm a natural parent, but. . . — Not eating her placenta is just one of the ways Ashley at Mama Raw falls short at being a natural parent.
I'm a Natural Parent But...I have a Few Confessions — Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment strives to be a Natural Mama, but wait, she has a few confessions!
I'm a Natural Parent BUT — Carrie at LoveNotesMama confesses her gratitude for disposable diapers.
Intestinal Dissection — Melissa from White Noise talks about how imperfection can be beautiful when it is buffered with love.
How much sugar is too much? — Tat at Mum in Search shares how her no-sugar policy evolved into a balancing act, with the balance point not where she'd like to see it.
I'm a Natural Parent, but. . . — Amyables at Toddler In Tow talks about three of her parenting habits that are not super "natural."
Minus Ten Crunchy Points — Joella at Fine and Fair discusses how some of her parenting choices seen as "too crunchy" by those she knows in real life could get her kicked out of the crunchy mom clubs online.
The Natural Parent "Model" — Kym at Our Crazy Corner of the World talks about her love for not-so-natural cosmetics and beauty products.
Nice to meet you. — Eileen at Love & Greens talks about how being a natural mama means something different to her every day.
I’m a natural parent…BUT… — Ashley at Daisy Pedals touches on several natural parenting topics; from cloth diapers to cleaning with natural cleaners.
I'm a natural parent, but you'd be surprised — Lauren at Hobo Mama confesses to liking diet soda and TV and having lost all her reusable shopping bags.
I’m a Natural Parent, but…. I don’t shop local — Luschka at Diary of a First Child confesses one of her greatest 'natural' failures - she doesn't shop local and support her community, despite wishing she could.
Who You Callin' Natural? (a Carnival of Natural Parenting Contribution) — A bit of premise exposition, some tongue-in-cheek filler, and a photographic list of all the ways Embrita Blogging cheats at being natural.
Dirty Secrets of a Green & Natural Mama (and Why I'm Not Afraid to Share Them!) — Charise at I Thought I Knew Mama shares her definition of what it means to be a perfect mama as well as a few of her dirty little secrets.
Green Mommy Guilt — Jen at Jen and Joey Green talks about how being a perfect Green Mom is overrated.
Life Coping Devices — Amy at Anktangle discusses two ("non-AP") coping strategies her family has used for getting through difficult times with her son: the pacifier and the stroller.
We use disposable diapers. There. I said it. — The mama at Our Muddy Boots shares a bed, nurses her 4 year old, is vegetarian, and is committed to homeschooling; but Pampers adorn her child's bottom. Ugh!
Committed to Cloth, but... — Sheila at A Living Family affirms her love of cloth diapering, despite the draw of disposables.
Natural Parenting as a Doorway to Deep Truths — Amy from Peace for Parents guest posts at Natural Parents Network and shares how for her "natural parenting" is much less about a definition and much more an avenue to explore truths of life.
Chicken No-nos — Jessica at Pace Family Place strives to live naturally but feeds her oldest son some not-so natural things

Authentic Parenting is a Process

2012-02-21T23:12:00.000-08:00

I have noticed how reluctant us parents are in sharing the challenges we face in being pioneers of the attachment-parenting movement because of the negative feedback that is often generated when the ideal ‘model’ is not consistently attained (mostly from ourselves). The struggles we face as conscious parents are not often admitted to because of how raw those moments are in our lives, even though they are the very things that propel us into healthy personal growth. Sometimes this growth sucks balls because it means that we have to make the effort to change unhealthy patterns in our lives that remove us far from our comfort zones. It is a very challenging process because of all the muck we have to go through in order to become the parents we want to be for our children.

For myself, this year has been an emotional rollercoaster and I am quite amazed that I have not completely lost myself through the entire ordeal. The list of stresses in my life right now is overwhelming and yet I wake up every morning glad to be alive and surrounded by the people who love and care for me and for that I am grateful. It makes dealing with all my emotional baggage that much more attainable. You see I have been dealing with depression (silently) for some years now fairly effectively by sheer will alone and it has been EXHAUSTING, to say the least. It has only come to my attention recently what the root source of my depression is foremost physiological, although the unhealthy coping mechanisms I inherited from my family have not been helping either. The combination of both the hormonal issues and the psychological ones have created a very problematic hurdle to becoming the parent I wish to be for my son.

It is one thing to agree wholeheartedly and passionately for a healthy relationship with my children through the application of compassionate parenting and ACTUALLY following through with it. Like everyone, I bring into my relationships the baggage from my past experiences, and the one I have with my child is no different. The patterns of my own childhood that I have internalized are now coming to the surface of my awareness and I am not enjoying what I am discovering because it is so far removed from the person I want to be. I have been struggling to maintain the parenting groove that I am so adamant about upholding because of unresolved issues I have myself that really need addressing.

I am discovering every day just how much of a challenge it is to being a compassionate person and parent, especially when lacking the most rudimentary tools it seems. I keep falling short of my own expectations and for the longest time wondered why but these last few months have given me valuable insight into why I am struggling and am now working on healing myself. Like any behavioral pattern, the problem cannot be fixed unless I can find the root source; the unmet need that has to be acknowledged so that positive change can occur. Uncovering those hidden truths require some very deep and raw introspection that is very uncomfortable but seeing it reflected in my son and by those closest to me has personally helped me get that much closer to being the person I want to be.

I will be sharing with you over time exactly with what I am personally struggling with, from my physiological issues like struggling with nursing aversion and difficulty conceiving, to the psychological ones like social anxiety and repressed negative emotions. It is uncomfortable for me to make public all of this but I think that it is important for others to know that parenting (and living!) authentically is a process and many of us are coming from dysfunctional families ourselves and have to learn how to become positive role models for our children almost from scratch too.

I would like to take you all with me along my journey to becoming this authentic, compassionate and loving person in not only my parenting relationships, but all others as well. It really is a process, and a difficult one, but I do believe everyone can find their own paths to the same beautiful way of being too. If I can muster the courage to do it, so can you!

What do you struggle with in your own parenting journey?

Fabulous Family Update – 18 months

2012-02-19T22:08:00.000-08:00

It has been a while since I’ve written an update on Leo’s shenanigans but here’s where he’s been at recently!

Language

Leo’s vocabulary has exploded within the last few months, with him currently being able to string some words into primitive sentences to express ideas and wants. He says things like: “balloon, sky, pop, gone” (the balloon in the sky went pop and is now gone); “fan, dirty, memere, clean” (the fan was dirty but memere cleaned it); “Kenya, eat, bubble, pop” (describing how the dog Kenya would bite the bubbles we would blow). He also has a repertoire of quick phrases that he uses in correct context like: “bless you!”, “thank you”, “please”, “where did it go?”, “there it is!“, among other things. He just absorbs language like a sponge! He still has trouble with pronouncing ‘f’ sounds but it’s a matter of practice since he can say “fuck” very clearly. Thanks Daddy, for that one.

He can now say three syllable words like ‘lollipop’ and ‘banana’ and generally uses three word sentences to ask for things like “more cereal please” and the like. He is very polite, using his pleas and thank yous and even ‘pretty please’ when I deny him something. He is very articulate with his language and can describe the things that he sees and feels very clearly. Lately he has been telling me when he is sad saying “boy sad”, usually after I reprimand him for something or am impatient with him which always accounts for cuddles afterwards! To get out of his high chair he says :”boy stuck! Help!” which is hilarious as well.

Leo generally calls me mommy but will switch to calling me ‘Karine’ if I don’t respond promptly enough! He also recognizes his own name and will talk in the third person referring to himself as ‘boy Leo’. When parting company he’ll prompt people to say “bye Leo!” then wave them off.

He also loves music and has begun singing his favorite songs like ‘twinkle twinkle little star’, ‘the ants go marching’, ‘five little monkeys’ and many more. He can’t sing them completely yet but he know most of the words and will sing along with me when he asks me to sing to him. He even takes up a toy that is microphone shaped and sings into it while dancing! I have no clue where he got this since we don’t watch performers on t.v or anything.

I also recently noticed how he can count to ten on his own, usually done while climbing down the stairs and can recognize the symbols for those numbers. He likes to point out to me the number 6 especially for some reason. He also recognizes most letters and has assigned his own word for each letter. ‘L’ of course is lollipop. “B” is for boy or banana. Etc. Today he freaked me out actually when he looked down at my magazine and was spelling out the letters of words in sequence. I was like “who the hell taught you all this shit?!!!!!”. As I am a very lazy parent, and don’t drill or go out of my way to teach anything to him, I just babble continuously about the things I see in a day which is obviously working. *pats back*

Social Development

Leo has a well-developed sense of empathy, often pointing out to me when other children or infants are in distress as well. He tells me when we see another baby crying: “baby crying sad” and often follows up with “boobie!”, which is his solution to everything of course! He loves to play with other children and will try all sorts of shenanigans to engage them. So far he prefers to destroy the things that other children make or run off with them but most older kids don’t mind and just let him get away with it. He also likes to share his toys and will ask anyone in the vicinity to play with him. A favorite activity right now is coloring, in which he’ll choose a color for you to draw with and dictate to you WHAT to draw as well. Balloons, bubbles, happy faces, and baa baa black sheep are the options he gives right now. He also asks me to draw my Grand-maman for some reason, or as he calls her: ‘Grand-maman chips’ (for the treats she always sneaks him!).

Whenever we’re out and about and come across girls or women of any kind, he HAS to go see them and say “hi girls!”. Then he will proceed to follow them around unless I drag him elsewhere. If I’m not vigilant he’ll try and hold their hands and give them stuff as gifts. Not even two yet and already a ladie’s man!

Eating Habits

Leo has been nursing less frequently, usually reserving it for naptimes and at night or when he is feeling anxious or if he injures himself. I no longer let him play while nursing so the sessions are fairly short unless he passes out midway. It is still a very important staple to his diet, especially when teething as he forgoes most solids during this time. He eats plenty of nutritional food, preferring fruits and veggies over meat products. He has a very diverse palette, enjoying sampling new foods and makes his preferences obvious so we respect those needs as well. I avoid giving him junk foods for the most part because of how addictive they are and of little value they have so when he does get them, it is a treat he enjoys. A few of his favorite treats are wieners, chips, and kraft macaroni. His recent favorite foods are potatoes, eggs, pasta, and melons. His ideal meal is spaghetti in meat sauce with watermelon for desert! Very economical on our end!

He can use his utensils very efficiently although he still prefers to use his fingers for the most part. He switches between his right hand and his left to eat and has shown no interest yet in choosing either permanently. He may become ambidextrous, who knows. He usually drinks out of a sippy cup with a straw but can also drink out of an open cup with little mess. He likes to blow bubbles in them so I have to wary of that. He also has a fascination with water bottles and likes to use them as well. He can twist open the caps and put them back on now which is a useful skill to have. Also an annoying one if not practices at an ideal time, like in the car.

Sleeping Habits

Our co-sleeping arrangement has evolved over time, with him sleeping best on his own bed after falling asleep initially beside me. Since he is still showing a need for night nursing, he remains in the same room as us, only on his own single mattress beside our bed. He rarely wakes in the night unless he pees which I then just change him and he falls right back asleep—sometimes while I am still changing his diaper! If he wakes up he usually calls for me and we snuggle until he falls asleep again. In the morning I’m usually greeted with a lazy smile with him prompting me to get up and change him and put his slippers on. He will remain sleeping within our room until he shows an interest in sleeping in his own based on his developmental needs. I feel strongly about gentle transitions and sleeping with company is comforting for him (and for us as well when you think about it, as we sleep alongside our spouses and not separately!) and our bedroom set up will morph to accommodate his changing needs.

Elimination Needs

Since our living arrangements have been chaotic at best, I have not pushed for potty training in respect for his need for some consistency in his life but he has shown interest in using his potty already. He tells me when he’s used his diapers and asks to be changed. He also comes into the washroom with me and describes how I am peeing in the toilet and even grabs a piece of toilet paper for me. When Adam was home for a bit, he would stand fascinated watching him urinate and get excited and say “Daddy pee! Daddy pee toilet!”. Once our home is settled I’ll be providing potties in most rooms for him to use when he likes. Since he’s outgrown his cloth diapers and the company I usually order from were out of the size I needed, I now use disposable pull-ups because he likes stepping into his diapers like underwear. I may invest in cloth training pants if they become available in the near future though.

Physical Development

My little Spartan is already wearing size 24 clothing, being over 33 inches tall, and weighing 28 lbs. He can run, make short jumps, climb on everything and can throw a mean ball. He likes to stare at himself in the mirror and makes faces as well as flex his muscles saying: “big muscles (like) daddy!”. His coordination skills are pretty good to and can peg me in the head with various objects if I am not paying attention.

He likes to pick out his own clothes already, telling me which outfit he prefers wearing that day. For a few weeks he refused to go anywhere without his tuque, which was cute but would make his head sweaty, so I shaved his head and he now likes to walk around telling people how he got a haircut.

All in all, my little man is growing exponentially and is kind of freaking me out since he’ll be turning two this summer. @____@ I know. He makes every day wondrous and a little crazy but always awesome.

Carnival of Natural Parenting: Respectful Interactions with Other Parents

2012-02-13T23:03:00.000-08:00

Welcome to the February 2012 Carnival of Natural Parenting: Respectful Interactions With Other Parents

This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama. This month our participants have focused on how we can communicate with other parents compassionately.

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When it comes to interacting with people I tend to be pretty aggressive with my opinions and I know that this puts otherwise potential friends off. I am a very passionate and excitable person and I tend to get away with myself when sharing some new tidbit I’ve learned, especially how it applies to parenting effectively. This stems from I believe, my attitude about accumulating knowledge which to me has no limit and I forget just how new information can emotionally affect people, especially a particular group of people who are renown for their sensitivity: other mothers. I know that I have inadvertently hurt women that I have come across simply by sharing an experience or new research on such topics as birth or child development and for that I am genuinely sorry. It makes me sad to think that someone might have felt attacked or inferior because of something I have said.

That is why I have been making the effort to be more sensitive to other’s experiences and be more compassionate when relaying information so that it is well received and does not cause more harm than good. I have been trying to change the tone of my writing in my blog to reflect this, as well as how I interact with others in social settings. It is difficult for me to do so because of how excitable I am but I think that the outcome is much better when I take the time to reflect on what I am saying first. That being said, there is still going to be disagreements between myself and others because of difference in opinions but it no longer needs to be a battle.

Just like how a good friend of mine has recently shared with me that she simply blocks out the things I say that she disagrees with and I am none the wiser. We have different parenting approaches and attitudes but we get along very well because we essentially respect each other’s opinions, even if we don’t agree with them. That being said though, we also share certain values in common and so we align well together anyways and so little disagreements don’t affect us too strongly. There are other women though that I have met whose beliefs clash so strongly with my own because they go against some of my very core values and so interacting with them is always a battle, no matter how sensitive I am trying to be. Those women I then choose not to have in my realm and surround myself with like-minded people instead. Otherwise discussions become too aggressive because opposing views are unable to compromise due to a difference in philosophies, which makes the social outing unnecessarily stressful.

When I find myself in a social situation outside of my control though, being around people I am unfamiliar with, I tend to keep my ideas to myself for the most part now to avoid unnecessary confrontation. Not everyone needs to be aware of my thoughts and opinions unless it directly affects me and my child’s experience. I tell myself that as long as I am comfortable with my choices because of my intuition and the research I have done, then that’s all that truly matters. I am not required to explain myself to anyone, even less to someone who cannot understand my reasoning because of their own beliefs.

Sometimes women will become defensive, not because of anything I have shared, but simply because they have not processed difficult feelings about the issue yet themselves and see my experience and opinions as threatening because of it. In these situations being compassionate and simply lending an ear to their experience is enough to let them know that they are allowed to feel that way and to leave it at that. They are simply not ready to process any other information on the subject because of their own mental block that they need to address when they are emotionally ready. I went through this process myself during my traumatic birth experience and post-partum depression. Initially I had employed all sorts of defense mechanisms to avoid dealing with the difficult emotions (including avoidance and acting defensive), but once ready I was able to reflect deeper on the issues surrounding my experience and began healing from it. After that I felt comfortable exploring possible causes of what I went through with others because I had owned my experience and forgave myself and others for the outcome. But I had to be the one to initiate the process.

That is why now, in order to maintain a harmonious atmosphere during playdates, I try to be aware of my words and how they may come across within reason and simply enjoy the company of others. I like to keep my debating to the internet, where I can safely tout my opinions in my own space: my blog; and people can choose to take it or leave it!

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Visit Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

(This list will be live and updated by afternoon February 14 with all the carnival links.)

How to Respond Respectfully to Unwanted Parenting Advice and Judgment — At Natural Parents Network, Amy (of Peace 4 Parents) offers some ways to deal with parenting advice and criticism, whether it's from your mom or the grocery store clerk.
Judgement is Natural - Just Don't Condemn — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama shared her views on why judgment is unavoidable and why the bigger issue is condemnation.
Four Ways To Share Your Parenting Philosophy Gently — Valerie at Momma in Progress shares tips for communicating with fellow parents in a positive, peaceful manner.
When Other Parents Disagree With You — Being an attachment parent is hard enough, but when you are Lily, aka Witch Mom, someone who does not enforce gender roles on her kid, who devalues capitalism and materialism, and instead prefers homeschooling and homesteading — you are bound to disagree with someone, somewhere!
Mama Bashing — Lucy at Dreaming Aloud reflects on the hurt caused on the blogosphere by mama bashing and pleads for a more mindful way of dealing with differences.
Accentuate the Positive — Joella at Fine and Fair shares how she manages interactions with the parents she encounters in her work as a Parent Coach and Substance Abuse Counselor by building trusting relationships and affirming strengths.
The politics of mothers – keys to respectful interactions with other parents — Tara from MUMmedia offers great tips for handling the inevitable conflict of ideas and personalities in parenting/mother's groups, etc.
Trying to build our village — Sheila at A Gift Universe tells how she went from knowing no other moms in her new town to building a real community of mothers.
Internet Etiquette in the Mommy Wars — Shannon at The Artful Mama discusses how she handles heated topics in the "Mommy-space" online.
Parenting with Convictions — Sarah at Parenting God's Children encourages love and support for fellow parents and their convictions.
How To Be Respectful Despite Disagreeing On Parenting Styles... — Jenny at I'm a Full-Time Mummy shares her two cents' worth on how to have respectful interactions with other parents despite disagreeing on parenting styles.
Public Relations — Momma Jorje touches on keeping the peace when discussing parenting styles.
Navigating Parenting Politics — Since choosing an alternative parenting style means rejecting the mainstream, Miriam at The Other Baby Book shares a few simple tips that can help avoid hurt feelings.
Hiding in my grace cave — Lauren at Hobo Mama wants to forget that not all parents are as respectful and tolerant as the people with whom she now surrounds herself.
Carnival of Natural Parenting - Respectful Interactions with Other Parents — Wolfmother at Fabulous Mama Chronicles explores how her attitude has changed regarding sharing information and opinions with others and how she now chooses to keep the peace during social outings.
Empathy and respect — Helen at zen mummy tries to find her zen in the midst of the Mummy Wars.
Not Holier Than Thou — Amyables at Toddler in Tow muses about how she's learned to love all parents, despite differences, disagreements, and awkward conversations.
Nonviolent Communication and Unconditional Love — Wendylori at High Needs Attachment reflects on the choice to not take offense as the key to honest and open communication.
Respectful Parenting As a Way of Life — Sylvia at MaMammalia writes about using her parenting philosophy as a guide to dealing with other parents who make very different choices from her.
Homeschooling: Why Not? — Kerry at City Kids Homeschooling shares how parents can often make homeschooling work for their family even if, at first glance, it may seem daunting.
If You Can’t Say Something Nice… — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now tells her philosophy for online and offline interactions … a philosophy based primarily on a children’s movie.
Different Rules for Different Families — Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children discusses how differences between families affect our children, and how that can be a good thing.
Respectful Interaction With Other Parents — Luschka at Diary of a First Child shares the ways she surrounds herself with a like-minded support network, so that she can gently advocate in her dealings with those whose opinions on parenting differ vastly from her own.
Parenting as a mirror — Rather than discrediting others' parenting styles, Kate Wicker discusses why she tries to focus on doing right rather than being right — and why she’s also not afraid to show others that she’s a heartfelt but imperfect mama just trying to be the best mom for her family.
The One Thing {Most} Parents Have In Common: They Try Their Best — Christine at African Babies Don't Cry finds interacting with other parents easier once she accepts that they are all just trying their best, just like her.
Finding your mama-groove: 5 ways to eliminate judge/be judged metality — MudpieMama reveals 5 ways of thinking that have helped her find her mama-groove and better navigate tricky parenting discussions.
Speaking Up For Those Who Can't — We've all had those moments when someone said something hurtful or insensitive, or downright rude that just shocks you to your core, and you're stunned into silence. Afterwards, you go home and think "Gosh, I wish I said…" This post by Arpita at Up Down, And Natural is for all the breastfeeding mamas who have thought "Gosh, I wish I said…"
Thank you for your opinion — Gaby at Tmuffin shares her go-to comment when she feels like others are judging her parenting style.
Mending — A playground conversation about jeans veers off course until a little mending by Kenna at Million Tiny Things is needed.
The Thing You Don't Know — Kelly at Becoming Crunchy talks about what she believes is one of the most important things you can consider when it comes to compassionate communication with other parents.
3 Tips for Interacting with Other Parents Respectfully When You Disagree with Them — Charise at I Thought I Knew Mama shares what she has learned about respectful interactions on her parenting journey.
Peacefully Keeping My Cool: Quotes from Ana — How do you keep your cool? Ana from Pandamoly shares some of her favorite retorts and conversation starters when her Parenting Ethos comes into question.
Kind Matters — Carrie at Love Notes Mama discusses how she strives to be the type of person she'd want to meet.
Doing it my way but respecting your highway. — Terri from Child of the Nature Isle is determined to walk with her family on the road less travelled whether you like it or not!
Saying "I'm Right and You're Wrong" Seldom Does Much To Improve Your Cause... — Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment writes about how living by example motivates her actions and interactions with others.
Have another kid and you won't care — Cassie of There's a Pickle in My Life, after having her second child, knows exactly how to respond to opposing advice.
Ten Tips to Communicate Respectfully, Even When You Disagree — What if disagreements with our partners, our children or even complete strangers ultimately led to more harmony and deeper connections? They can! Dionna at Code Name: Mama shares ten tips to strengthen our relationships in the midst of conflict.
A Little Light Conversation — Zoie at TouchstoneZ explains why respect needs to be given to every parent unconditionally.
Why I used to hide the formula box — Laura at Pug in the Kitchen finally talks about how judgement between parents changed her views on how she handles differences in parenting.
Assumptions — Nada at minimomist discusses how not everyone is able to nurse, physically, mentally, or emotionally.
Shushing Your Inner Judgey McJudgerson — Jenn at Monkey Butt Junction knows that judging others is easy to do, but recognizing that we all parent from different perspectives takes work.
Respectfully Interacting with Others Online — Lani at Boobie Time Blog discusses the importance of remaining respectful behind the disguise of the internet.
Presumption of Good Will — Why — and how — Crunchy Con Mommy is going to try to assume the best of people she disagrees with on important issues.
Being Gracious with Parenting Advice — Tips for giving and receiving parenting advice with grace from Lisa at My World Edenwild.
Explain, Smile, Escape — Don't know what to do when you're confronted by another parent who disagrees with you? Amy at Anktangle shares a story from her life along with a helpful method for navigating these types of tricky situations (complete with a handy flow chart!).
Balancing Cultures and Choices — Dulce de leche discusses the challenges of walking the tightrope between generations while balancing cultural and family ties.
Linky - Parenting Peacefully with Social Media — Hannabert's Mom discusses parenting in a social media world.

Guest Post - Martine Cadieux - We're Going To Be Okay

2012-02-11T22:26:00.000-08:00

***Please welcome a guest post by my resilient cousin Martine who shares her very raw and inspiring journey as a single mother dealing with intense circumstances***

***

The human body does not take well to stress. It makes us lose our hair, gives us headaches, makes us lose sleep, screws up our menstrual cycles, our digestive system; makes our muscles, bones and joints hurt, turns us into emotional puddles of goop, makes us want to do unhealthy things such as smoking, drinking, or binge eating, etc. Stress is almost like a poison.
It can also affect our children. As we all know, children can "feel" our stress despite our best efforts to hide it. Even when they are in the womb, you may have noticed that depending on how you feel, your baby reacts and moves around in reaction to that. Stress on a baby in utero is very dangerous, and stress on our children outside of the womb can also create havoc. So how are we supposed to remain fully functional as moms and prevent our kids from suffering from OUR stress? By taking care of ourselves first.

"We're gonna be okay"…

…I said this out loud and thought it many, many times a day. It was a promise I had made and intended on keeping. I found every way possible to reduce my stress while not trying to make it feel like it was a chore. I surrounded myself with positive people, ate good, had relaxing baths, sang to my daughter in my womb, talked to her, closed my eyes and envisioned a better place…

When I was 6(ish) months pregnant, my daughter's father and I got in a heated argument which escalated into a horrible situation, where we found ourselves on a train track overpass where he had threatened to jump into oncoming vehicles while I was on the other side, watching and crying hysterically. I clearly remember wanting to distract him from the situation and so desperate and scared, I grabbed a piece of glass and began cutting my wrists just enough to get blood, by which I had intended on proving to him that he wasn't the only one who was hurting. Perhaps seeing me hurt myself would distract him enough from wanting to jump. I never had the chance to show him, seeing as the cops showed up and took me away and dealt with the situation instead. I am shocked to this day that I didn't miscarry right there and then. I'm also shocked that the stress didn't cause any pregnancy complications either. Despite all this, my daughter was born only 2 days late, beautiful and healthy.

However when my daughter was one and a half years old, we moved in with a “family member" to help her out and also upgrade from a small apartment to a bigger 3 bedroom. Merely weeks after moving in, this person who I considered family, who assisted in my daughter's birth, took a mentally unstable turn for the worst. Normal conversations were few and far between as she no longer made any sense. She even became scary. The stress this put on me was intense. I couldn't sleep well, I was paranoid, I was scared, I felt nauseous all the time, I had constant headaches and my body and my stomach hurt constantly. My daughter became irritable, and even more so around this person. After only a few weeks of being there, I made the decision of moving out, yet again. The month that followed that decision was excruciating. Finding a suitable place to live when you’re a single mom on Welfare is hard. And during that time, this person was living elsewhere because she had threatened me and I became literally scared for my wellbeing as well as my child’s. And remember, this was somebody I had once trusted completely.

The first step I took was forgiving myself for causing my child (and myself) so much stress and then I chose the path of healing. I surrounded myself with support and told myself every day the reasons why I was doing what I was doing. I had to put MYSELF FIRST. Although when you’re a mom, that doesn't always happen easily. Stress affects everybody differently and everybody deals with stress in different ways. I was blessed with a daughter who somehow helped me find the strength within myself by reflecting her own. So I started copying her. I distracted myself, I focused on the problem at hand, I sought comfort when I needed it and I let myself cry when I needed to. I became so in tune with my body and mind that to everybody else’s shock and surprise I rose above the situation and did what I had to do without once letting myself hit rock bottom.

You can't avoid stress, but you can learn how to deal with it. Remember that your child may feel it but he doesn't have to suffer from it. The worst YOU get, the more it affects your child. Be mentally and physically aware and deal with things as they come, one day at a time. Distract yourself, allow yourself time to relax and really connect with your child and no matter the age, tell them and yourself at the same time: "WE ARE GOING TO BE OKAY". It's a powerful affirmation that goes a long way. Positive thinking goes a long way.

**Martine Cadieux is your average full time single-mom. She believes in positive parenting, healthy eating, 100% juices instead of cocktails, and being in tune with her own mind to be able to better connect with her daughter. She enjoys getting down on the floor to her daughter's level to play, sing and make funny faces in public to make her laugh, and has a fail proof night time routine. She lets her gut and her daughter lead her to being the best mother possible, and leans on the support and of family and friends to help get her there. **

My Lactating Blurb – On Breastfeeding Support

2012-02-06T12:51:00.001-08:00

In my idyllic world women give birth without fear and go on to have pleasant nursing relationships with their young well past the typically recommended six month mark and practice positive parenting philosophies while living healthy, fruitful lives and eventually dying happily of old age. In my idyllic world stretch marks don’t exist and pregnancy doesn’t cause boob sagging but I suppose that would be asking for too much really. What isn’t asking for too much is having the proper supports in place for new moms to be educated about the nature of breastfeeding and being guided through the challenges. This would inevitably lead them to doing what their bodies were designed to do: lactate beautifully.

Most breastfeeding issues can be prevented with adequate knowledge about the mechanics of the process. However, what really angers me is how guilty moms feel for having to supplement when the failure is really that of our culture lacking adequate support systems, rather than their bodies failing them. I feel sad for those moms and those babies who are then required to use a sub-standard supplement because nursing just didn’t work out.

There simply isn't enough support for establishing healthy breastfeeding in our culture. From pressure from the formula-making industries that market their products aggressively to the lack of lactation consultants and un-educated medical professionals, we have created an environment where nursing one’s babies is abnormal. I can almost guarantee that 90% of women who ‘couldn’t’ breastfeed their young is a result of poor advice that sabotaged the nursing relationship early on when it is the most vulnerable.

And so I would like to share what worked for me:

Feed on Demand; as in follow your infant’s hunger cues and not an arbitrary schedule. This usually means feed often, even throughout the night (yikes! soon you will forget what being rested even means anyways and then one day you’ll sleep for 8 hours and be pleasantly surprised, usually about when they hit college). If your child is getting dehydrated, losing weight and having trouble settling down, chances are they are hungry and need to nurse MORE. They do not need formula supplemented as many doctors and even paediatricians will suggest (more on THEIR lot later), but just need to be fed more often. Breastmilk digests quickly because it was designed to do so, and so your infant needs to feed often. It works on the concept of supply and demand: the more that is used, the more your body produces. Start supplementing, especially at night and you risk drying up what you got. You are essentially telling your body that you don’t need so much so it complies and stops producing.

Avoid Dummies; as in soothers and bottles. I know you might be all ‘touched-out’ from being latched onto almost constantly but be patient! Hold off on pumping even, until your nursing relationship is established at about 5 weeks or so. Using them before then can cause nipple-confusion because infants work different jaw muscles to nurse on the breast than when sucking on a dummy. They are learning just as you are and alternating between breast/bottle before they master nursing will confuse and frustrate them and they may have a nursing strike (refusing the boob in all its glory). Yes it sucks sometimes essentially being a living pacifier but there is a reason why infants need to comfort nurse: when they do it signals for your body to produce more milk. Replace it with a piece of plastic and your body doesn’t receive the signal and so your milk supply doesn’t increase with their needs.

ASK FOR HELP; but from credible sources. In my opinion the only ones who are worth their salt are other nursing mothers with experience and certified lactation consultants who are educated directly in the mechanics of breastfeeding and can help you find healthy solutions to your issues. Check out your local La Leche League for some great resources!

Naturally there is more to it but those are the essentials. Things that have worked for me are: co-sleeping: because getting out of bed every hour to nurse my son just wasn’t going to happen, rolling over makes more sense to me; babywearing: the skin-to-skin contact helps bonding and observing baby’s cues continuously to figure out when they’re hungry helps loads; and having a babymoon: staying home for the first few weeks to figure this motherhood shit out before venturing out where random people give you horrible parenting advice in a well-meaning kind of way while you’re still vulnerable. This includes ‘experts’ such as family doctors and even paediatricians who, baffling enough, have little training in breastfeeding mechanics. That’s right. They are not required to have extensive education in the most essential bodily function a mother has for her child (well apart from her womb that is). Hire a lactation consultant! DO IT! It’s worth it. Don’t make breastfeed an option, make it a requirement.

If adequately supported for at least the first month of their infant’s lives, chances are women would get the hang of it and be able to breastfeed their young till they self-wean. Sadly, our culture is letting women and their babies down and the result is women feeling guilty about themselves because of it while corporations make a profit off of it. Nestle doesn’t want you to succeed at breastfeeding, they want to convince you that formula is ok too and that you don’t need to persevere with your nursing relationship. Their income counts on that failure. Any research into formula marketing strategies will convince you that they have no moral compass and half the crap they spew about how awesome powdered milk is in fact, an outrageous lie. It isn’t comparable to breastmilk, it is a last resort. Even receiving donations of breastmilk from other moms is far superior than adding water to some chemicals. Even if they are working mothers, they can breastfeed exclusively; rather bottlefeed breastmilk exclusively their babies. I have seen it done, it is possible. WE CAN ALL BREASTFEED! Hell, even adoptive mothers are able to breastfeed with the right tools and determination. Google it, it does exist! If they can do it, so can you. Essentially mothers need to support themselves, and each other and arm themselves with the right info and resources until our ‘experts’ get themselves organized.

Some of my personal favorite resources:

Dispelling Breastfeeding Myths

Academy of Breastfeeding Medicine

The Leaky Boob (and their FORUM)

Kelly Mom: Breastfeeding and Parenting

Good Grief!

2012-02-05T13:36:00.000-08:00

Again I have been neglecting my blogging duties and I feel especially guilty since I had every intention to post more regularly as of January but my life has been one chaotic mess after another and am feeling pretty overwhelmed right now. Between my husband’s deployment overseas, to attempting to find a house for us to live in pronto, to the stress of unnecessary family drama, I’m pretty taped out emotionally. I have all these awesome posts half finished in my computer but I can’t seem to find the brain power to organise them properly so I will refrain from posting them until I’m more grounded. If all goes well I will be settled in our new home within a few weeks and can resume my passion for writing. All the change in our life right now has got my toddler all grumpy as well so tending to his needs right now are time-consuming because I’m the only consistency he has (yay for constant nursing!). If I am feeling particularly creative I’ll spew out a post or two as I go along but be warned it may be more of an emotional release than structured information.

This is the perfect time for guest posting if anyone is interested, especially on keeping sane during stressful times! I could use the morale boost! No need to own your own blog to write either, nor any writing experience. If you have something to share, email me and I’ll post it! Raw experience is always awesome!

Email this address: fabulous.mama.chronicles@gmail.com

Guest Post - Joella from Fine and Fair - Forgiveness and Relationship Repair

2012-01-28T16:28:00.000-08:00

***Joella writes at Fine and Fair, a blog primarily comprised of letters to her daughter. Fine and Fair is focused on the ups and downs along the journey of raising her daughter as a responsible citizen of the world with the values of compassion toward all living things, environmental responsibility, conservation, and celebrating diversity in all of its forms. Fine and Fair can also be found on twitter and facebook.***

When keeping in mind your ideal vision of how you wish to parent, what area are you the most hard on yourself with and why?

As someone who values the ideals of attachment parenting and who also who values the work I do, I tend to be hardest on myself for not being able to "do it all". For far too long, I tried to maintain the work of a full-time stay-at-home mom while also going to school and working part-time. It's really no surprise that juggling all of that was not sustainable, but I couldn't help but feel like I had failed when I admitted that as just one woman, I couldn't do it all by myself.

I think the reason why I've been hard on myself over not being able to be perfect at all of the above is because I have always placed so much value at excelling in everything I set forth to do. It's not enough to be an attached parent, I must be the best! attached! parent! ever! It's not enough to be a student, I must be the best! student! ever! I am coming around to the realization that I need to focus on being the best! me! ever! which means embracing my imperfections, knowing my limitations, and asking for and accepting help when and where I need it.

What is the most difficult issue you have with your child(ren) currently that often results in power struggles and disconnection?

For the most part, I strive to avoid power struggles at all costs. In the interest of embracing my imperfections, I have recently started to struggle a bit with getting Delilah to sleep, particularly at nap times. My parenting philosophy includes an emphasis on the importance of parenting children to sleep, but at the same time, my schedule doesn't allow for me to spend much more than 15 minutes or so to that end. I get frustrated when Delilah won't go down easily for a nap or for bedtime, because I so value having that time to myself (or with my husband) while she sleeps.

How do you overcome it?

I recently read The Division of Responsibility in Sleeping on Hobo Mama's blog, which served as a gentle reminder that I cannot force my daughter to go to sleep. Perhaps more importantly, it made me realize that I am not required to remain with her until she falls asleep, either. After all, I wouldn't have an easy time drifting off with someone near me who was feeling stressed and anxious about staying with me until I fell asleep!

I overcome it by realizing that I can be an effective and gentle night-time (or nap-time) parent by allowing my daughter to fall asleep in her own time and in her own way. I can make sure that she's comfortable and that her physical and emotional needs are met, and then leave her to own devices to fall asleep. If she becomes distressed, I'll return to comfort her, but so long as she's content, I can have just as much "me-time" if she's quietly playing with her stuffed animals or flipping through her books as I can if she's in dreamland.

Can you share a snippet of something you would say to your daughter after a moment of disconnection?

For starters, I either get down to her level or pick her up to bring her to mine so that she knows she has my attention. I always start with an apology, followed by an explanation (but I try to avoid making excuses) for the disconnection and a desire for it to be resolved. For example, I might scoop her up, kiss her, and say:

"Delilah, I'm sorry that I ignored you when you asked me to hold your doll. Mama has to get these dishes done before she goes to work so that Daddy has clean pans to cook your dinner in. I wish I could stay and play with you all night, but as soon as I'm done, we will play together until Daddy gets home; okay?"

What message do you wish to leave your child with about the intricacies of relationships that they can carry forward into their own?

I want for her to understand how important it is to never take relationships for granted. It is so vital to stay mindful in our relationships with others, remembering to ask how we can help meet the needs of our partners and friends, and to let them know how they can help us meet our own needs. We must be gentle with ourselves and ask forgiveness when we misstep, and gentle with our partners and friends and give forgiveness when they misstep. We mustn't be too proud to ask for or give forgiveness. We must continue to grow as individuals in our relationships, while being mindful to nurture our connections with those we love so that we don't lose them in our own growth spurts. Finally, no matter the challenges we face in our relationships, there must always be room for laughter!

If you like this piece, you can vote for Joella on Babble's Top 100 Mom Blogs!

January Week 04 Quote

2012-01-27T11:10:00.000-08:00

“Mindful parenting is a continual process of deepening and refining our awareness and our ability to be present and to act wisely…an important part of the process is seeing ourselves with some degree of kindness and compassion. This includes seeing and accepting our limitations, our blindnesses, our humanness, and fallibility and working with them mindfully as best we can.”

–Everyday Blessings: The inner work of mindful parenting by Myla and Jon Kabat-Zinn

Just like a favorite blogger of mine once said: ”mothering is heavy!”. It is a complicated and yet wondrous responsibility that completely changes us inside and out, and these transformations are continuous along our mothering journey. That is why it does us good to accept ourselves at whatever stage we are at currently in our lives and to forgive ourselves the foibles we make because we are continuously GROWING as people too. By acknowledging our mistakes, owning them, setting them right and learning from them, we are setting up our children for overcoming their own obstacles in life and striving for personal growth themselves. Living is a process, and so is engaging in any relationship, including that with our children. It all begins with forgiveness and compassion, especially towards ourselves as fallible people and mothers.

What does this quote say to you?

Sunday Surf – Taking Care of Our Selves

2012-01-24T20:22:00.000-08:00

*I know it's not Sunday but I'm falling behind!!!! Her are some links to posts about nurturing ourselves in order to parent more authentically!*

It's All About You!

Nurturing Ourselves

Is Self-Care the Cosmic Joke of Motherhood?

On Becoming an Aspiring Mindful Mama

Mothering as an introvert

Finding Balance: October Carnival of Natural Parenting

January Affirmation - 02

2012-01-19T16:20:00.000-08:00

Mindful Mothering Challenge#2

2012-01-18T20:16:00.001-08:00

Last week I encouraged you to present to your children your desire to make positive changes in your relationship with them. How did you go about expressing that sentiment? How did they react? How did you feel afterwards?

Well my son, being 18 months, just looked at me questioningly as I babbled to him quite patiently and proceeded to then talk to me about balloons. I’m sure he gets the gist of it anyways. What’s important is that I am making the effort. My hubby gratefully noticed this as well, especially during the stressful situations we are currently faced with and has given me the much needed boost to continue improving as a conscious parent and wife. There is nothing like a pat on the back to keep you going!

This week’s challenge:

Although I often refer to mindfulness as a practice, it isn’t something that you need to learn exactly, but simply a muscle you already possess that just needs exercise. You have all that you need already within you to be able to live mindfully, you just need to bring awareness to it. This week’s challenge is about exercising those muscles with a very simply exercise that you can incorporate into your daily living without necessarily needing to ‘make time’ for it.

Breathing Awareness

A very simple way to begin practicing becoming more aware of yourself is by first taking note of your breathing. This is effective because it is something your body already knows how to do automatically, you just need to bring your awareness TO IT. It is also great because you don’t need to make time for it, as you are always doing it (unless you’re a zombie or a vampire but that’s another issue altogether). All that you need to do is to pay attention to how you feel as you inhale and exhale; imagining your breath animating your body and giving it life. After you do this for several breaths, take note on how you feel within your body and also your mind. Do you feel calmer, more relaxed, a little more grounded in the present moment? Whatever you happen to feel, make a note of it. Try and practice this throughout the day this week to warm up your awareness muscles.

You can also try this Mindful Awareness of Breathing Meditation by Cassandra Vieten, PhD, downloadable as an MP3. It is about 20-25 minutes long but you are not required to follow it in its entirety. You can practice as long as you like, increasing your ‘meditation’ time based on your growing capabilities and the time block you have to do so. If you allocate a particular time to listen to it while you are engaged in a daily activity like brushing your teeth, having a bath, or cooking dinner; you will most likely be more persistent in keeping up with it as a daily routine.

Additionally, try and incorporate this simple exercise during a time of distress and pause to take notice of your breath for a few moments. Notice how you handle the uncomfortable situation afterwards and share your insight with us next week for the next challenge!

Oops!

2012-01-18T20:15:00.000-08:00

It has just come to my attention that my posts have not been going live as scheduled for some reason and so it looks like I have dropped off the face of the earth, when in fact I am just prancing about in marital bliss with my hubby on his short vacation time home from deployment overseas. See, my excuse is pretty valid! So there. So I will be posting them manually as I have the chance to without compromising our special time together as a family. Enjoy!

Guest Post - African Babies Don't Cry

2012-01-12T15:41:00.000-08:00

**Christine, author of African Babies Don’t Cry, is a teacher turned stay-at-home mom who is from South Africa. She lives on a game reserve with her nature conservation husband and son. Christine is passionate about natural nutrition having studied and researched it for much of her life. She blogs about her sons healthy diet, natural parenting and living as close to nature as possible. She advocates extended breastfeeding and does all she can to promote it in a community that has started to view this age old practice as ‘lower class’. She believes breastfeeding, co-sleeping and other natural parenting practices have helped make her son the energetic, bubbly and confident little man he is. In her spare time she enjoys taking her son for long walks, reading and writing. **

How do you cultivate mindfulness in your daily living?

Mindfulness, to me, is all about concentration. As long as you concentrate on your task at hand, you will do it to the best of your ability. This applies to parenting. Concentration on parenting means you are constantly striving to better yourself as a parent, you are actively engaging with your child in a meaningful manner and you value your relationship with your child. Not only is parenting about meeting our children’s physical needs but perhaps more importantly is meeting their psychological needs. Treating them with respect, honouring their views, needs and wants as genuine and important. I do feel, one of the biggest mistakes a mother can make, is to treat mothering as a part time chore whilst wallowing in self-indulgence. I make a concerted effort to concentrate on all that I do, whether it is hanging up the laundry or playing blocks with my son. Both the laundry and my son benefit from my full attention. I also try very hard to live life as simply as possibly, the more drama in one’s life, the more difficult it is to concentrate on others. I try to better myself as a person, and as a parent every day by following others examples.

Share a situation you had with your child(ren) that cultivating mindfulness helped in finding a solution that respected everyone’s needs.

Jesse was an unplanned pregnancy, although not unwanted, and whilst I spent my pregnancy finding myself as a mother and wife, I lapsed in concentrating on having child and all that that entailed. I did not explore my options when it came to the birthing etc, which I sorely regret. However, what I did do was follow my instincts. Jesse slept better when on my chest or beside me in the bed, he did not like his bassinet. I ignored all well-meaning advice and stories of baby smothering and kept him in the bed with me. This way Jesse and I both managed to get a lot more sleep. There are a few more examples, such as decided not to circumcise or vaccinate, where I followed my instincts. I am proud that I have managed to follow my gut feeling and even more proud, as I research more and more, to find that the choices I have made and are busy making are the best for my son, such as keeping him intact. I will continue to trust myself as the authority on what is best for my son, and make sure that I do the research back up this claim.

In what situation(s) do you find it the hardest to remain connected to your children and parent mindfully with them? How are you attempting to overcome it?

In times of great stress, it is so easy to become disconnected from your child. It is so easy to fall into old patterns of self-pity and self-involvement. Of course, it is very difficult to eliminate all stress from life, although I do try. I have taken note of stressful triggers and do my best to avoid them. When stress is unavoidable, I am kind to myself, give my body extra rest, eat well and try my best to concentrate on my son and his emotions. Children pick up stress from parents so easily. Yoga is a good way to relieve stress in both yourself and your child. Laughter is another way to eliminate stress in both yourself and your child/ren. I try to meditate often and bring my attention back to parenting with concentration.

How would you describe the process to becoming a mindful person?

How do you eat an elephant? On bite at a time. An awful saying but one that my grandmother used my entire life. I repeat it to myself whenever anything seems impossible. At one point in my life, a calm existence seemed unattainable as one stressful event exploded after another. It took great planning and concentration to slow my life down. I am now on the path to a calm and mindful life and it has happened one step at a time. First I looked at my health, then I looked at others for support, guidance and advice. I am now at a point where I can trust myself to make decisions which will always keep me moving forward.

What is a personal motto or affirmation you tell yourself that helps you stay anchored in mindfulness?

My son, Jesse, comes first, always. I have embraced motherhood in all its glory and all its not so great bits. I am truly ‘living the dream’ by being able to care for this little bundle of raw potential, and take guiding his potential very seriously. Of course I have a lot of fun along the way too!

Book Review: Mindful Motherhood

2012-01-11T05:14:00.000-08:00

Mindful Motherhood: Practical Tools for Staying Sane During Pregnancy and Your Child's First Year by Cassandra Vieten

When I bought this book before my son was born, I couldn’t have anticipated how useful it would end up being. It provides excellent tools to cultivating awareness of our emotional needs while providing our children with the best expression of our nurturing selves. The mental exercises provided can be practiced within every-day living and improve our ability over time to deal with stressful situations. It also offers insight into the human psyche and all its vulnerabilities while providing a way for us to change destructive thinking patterns and become the mothers we wish to be for our families. This is an essential book to have in every parent’s arsenal.

Creating Sacred Space Within

2012-01-10T10:07:00.000-08:00

There is a concept I have come across repeatedly in my search for cultivating mindfulness in daily living that refers to creating a ‘witness’ within our minds that is a neutral go-to place when observing ourselves. It is like having a sacred space within us where our emotions and thoughts do not follow and we are at our most basic ‘self’ that observes impartially what the rest of our mind is doing. It is the blessed gap between our experiences and how we react to them. How deep the gap is depends on how well we have stretched the muscles of awareness to separate our initial reactions to situations with how we choose to behave despite them.

Learning to step away from our thoughts and simply observing what our mind is going through is practicing mindfulness. It is bringing our focus into the now, as it is in its barest form without making judgements about it just yet. Our thoughts about a situation are what classify it as being good or bad and dictates our reactions to it and whether we suffer because of it. By extending this sacred space within, we can learn to disassociate with our experiences enough to get to the root of the real issue underneath the uncomfortable feelings and reactions and finding a positive solution to dealing with it effectively. This space is essentially there to allow us the time to really reflect on the best course of action by giving us the time to align ourselves with our values and behaving accordingly.

So how do we create this space then?

By becoming aware at the barest level of what you are doing RIGHT NOW. I mean it, right now. You can start by thinking along the lines of: “Here I am reading this awesome post.” Now take notice of your surroundings; the objects around you, the temperature of the room you are in, the feel of your hand on your mouse or touch pad; notice any physical sensations and discomforts impassively. If your mind automatically labels them, that’s okay but just notice. Then notice the thoughts that arise as you look around. Perhaps you start thinking about how uncomfortable your chair is and how you need a new one, or that your internet is being slow again and that is aggravating you, or that you are also worrying about your child waking up from their nap and cutting your blog surfing short, or how you have such and such errands to do tomorrow. You may even be thinking how stupid this exercise is, who knows. NOTICE these thoughts, then step away from them. That is mindfulness. Really, it is that simple. The very act of observing where your mind is going is what the ‘witness’ is. Congratulations, you have found your sacred space!

If these quiet moments of pure awareness are not something you engage in regularly, it will feel awkward and sluggish at first. It will take some time for you to notice all those little things and bring them into your awareness. Just like taking up yoga or stretching for the first time; it requires practice and lots of patience. You may not be able to engage in it for long periods of time until you stretch out your muscles little by little over time. The way to do so is by snatching little moments of awareness in your daily life like:

While breastfeeding or bottle-feeding

When changing a diaper or giving a bath

When in the shower or brushing your teeth

When cooking or cleaning or doing yard work

While sitting with that much loved morning cup of coffee

When just about to fall asleep in bed

As you knit, sew, or scrapbook

ANYWHERE, ANYTIME!

All that is required is to bring awareness to the automatic things that we do in our daily lives and notice how we react to them. How long or how short we remain fully aware is irrelevant, as long as we make the effort to do so when we can. Over time you will notice how your ‘sacred space’ stretches and grows along with you and you are able to extend the time between experiencing situations and engaging in them. Your witness will also become more skilled at noticing the subtleties in life that bring us joy and unhappiness. Being able to discern the underlying causes of our experiences by first being able to observe them fully as they unfold allows us the ability to then exact the positive changes in our lives in order to parent consciously. It also allows us to develop the ability to discern our children’s needs based on their own behavior and help them development their own sacred space so that they can express themselves in an appropriate and healthy manner instead of being reactive. But all change starts with us doesn’t it?

January Week 2 Quote

2012-01-09T17:19:00.001-08:00

The path to becoming a better parent –like most every road to personal growth and mastery – begins with self-examination.

–John Gottman Ph.D

Parenting is hard. It is especially difficult if we are not even aware of how our behavior is shaping our children’s. They learn first by observing the people in their environment and mirroring their behavior patterns because they are trying to figure out how our world works and what is acceptable. It may not be readily apparent how deeply our own emotional state affects them, but it is an alarming reality. Especially if you are like me and are highly reactive first, and thoughtful afterwards. You can rest assured that I have to apologise often for my behavior, especially to my son who has not yet the mental capabilities to understand why it is that I am mean to him all of a sudden. He cannot understand that I’m in a bad mood from something completely unrelated to him; usually. When I catch myself at it, I feel horrible because I know that unlike me he does not just accept that I’m having a bad day, he thinks that he’s at fault, and that’s not healthy for his emotional well-being and self-esteem. It isn’t fair to him, as my behavior towards others is MY responsibility despite my mood, not his. That is why it is essential that I notice how my behavior affects him, and to slow down and figure out why I reacted the way I do and make the changes to correct it at its source. The first step is to NOTICE, and that requires cultivating MINDFUL AWARENESS in each moment and this practice is a great tool for learning to parent consciously.

What does this quote say to you?

Sunday Surf – Conscious Parenting

2012-01-08T20:40:00.001-08:00

This week’s links are posts that either explain what conscious parenting is and/or present various ways to do so.

The 1-2-3's of Mindful Parenting

“Below is a list of the ways in which I have personally focused on becoming a more mindful mother as well as post in which I have discussed what could be considered mindful parenting practices. There is a lot here to digest and hopefully some of it resonates with you and inspires you in your journey of mindful parenting.”

What is Conscious, Unconditional Parenting?

"Unconditional parenting depends upon the understanding that children learn by being in a relationship with their parents. It requires parents to play an active role as care-givers and "emotion coaches" and assumes that parents will use full awareness in making parenting choices and in choosing styles and techniques that will honor and respect their individual family values."

What is Conscious Parenting? by Is This C0-Parenting?

"Conscious parenting is about giving up the old paradigm of power and control over our children. Instead we get to guide them, become a resource for them, and enchant them with wonderful ideas and the skills and ability to change this world. Conscious parenting calls for parents to pay attention to their children and, more importantly to their own thoughts and behaviors. It's important to understand our own needs and personal hurts in order to avoid repeating painful patterns from our past"

10 Ways to Be a Conscious Parent

This post list a few different articles on ways to parent consciously.

Why Mindful Parenting Isn't One Size Fits All

"To me, mindful parenting is a hands on, presence based philosophy. It’s about knowing your child and doing your best to guide them on their journey while meeting their needs in the most joy filled, loving and thoughtful way. And when we make mistakes, its about being gentle on ourselves and getting back on track as soon as possible."

Januray Affirmation - 01

2012-01-07T05:50:00.001-08:00

Mindful Mothering Challenge#1

2012-01-06T13:06:00.000-08:00

Welcome to the launch of my Mindful Mothering Challenge Series, a splendid idea I harvested from Hybrid Rasta Mama which is a series of exercises that we can practice together to become more mindful within our day-to-day life. Once a week I will post a little quest for us to embark on that we can then share our resulting insights the following week to hopefully make steady changes towards parenting more consciously.

This week’s challenge is about making a commitment to our children about learning to parent consciously. It is an affirmation to them that we are now open to changing our relationship with them for the better by investing our time and energy into connecting with them authentically. The exercise is then quite simple: to verbally share with your child/children your intention to make a conscious effort from this point on and that their well-being is important to you. Don’t be afraid to really express yourself even if they may not grasp everything that you are saying. They’ll pick up on your sincerity regardless and that’s what matters.

This is what I intend to share with my 17 month old toddler, but feel free to use and/or alter it if interested, or write your very own:

Dear Leo,

Every day you help me become a better person just by being yourself and bringing out the best and sometimes even the worst in me so that I become aware of it. Just like you, I make mistakes that require your patience, and sometimes even your forgiveness but I know that becoming aware of it is the first step in changing it. Sometimes it is difficult for me to fulfill both our needs but I am committed to making the effort, because we both deserve it. Know that I love you with my entire being and that from now on I will make the conscious effort to interact with you authentically.

Sincerely, Mommy

Please share how your child(ren) reacted to your pledge and how you felt about yourself afterwards in the follow up post next week!

Guest Post: Hybrid Rasta Mama on Conscious Parenting

2012-01-05T08:54:00.000-08:00

Jennifer, author of Hybrid Rasta Mama, lives in the Sacramento, CA area with her husband and can be found blogging about breastfeeding (especially extended breastfeeding), bed-sharing, co-sleeping, attachment parenting, cloth diapering, green living, babywearing, peaceful parenting, a Waldorf approach to education and parenting, playful parenting, getting children outside, as well as cooking and eating Real/Traditional Foods. A life-long lover of reggae music, Jennifer takes a little of this and a little of that and blends it all together into something that works for her family.

What inspired you to create your blog?

As a mother who whole heartedly believes in a natural parenting approach, I have a strong desire to inspire other mothers and fathers to explore gentle parenting choices. Even if parents already employ a natural parenting technique (or two, or three, or twenty), I feel that it is important to provide a resource which they can turn to inspire new ideas about parenting approaches based on my experience as well as research. This is ultimately why I decided to start blogging.

I get very enthusiastic, passionate, motivated, and inspired by natural, gentle, peaceful parenting techniques and approaches. Although I am outspoken, approaching parents who I do not know and provoking a discussion about parenting practices is just not something that I find myself able to do easily. I’m much better at expressing myself in writing and being able to carefully and thoughtfully outline my views rather than having a “seat of my pants” discussion. A natural parenting focused blog met my need to share my thoughts while at the same time offering me an extended family of bloggers and readers whose views I can learn from as well.

I think that this blog might one day be a really interesting read for my daughter. Although I keep a daily personal journal for her, my posts will help my daughter really see who I was striving to be as a mother!

What topics of interest do you tend to undertake?

I tend to have three main areas of focus: Natural Parenting, Real Foods/Health and Wellness, and a Waldorf inspired approach to parenting and education. You can find posts related to cloth diapering, breastfeeding, ages and developmental stages, peaceful parenting, mindful parenting, gentle and loving guidance (I am not a fan of the word discipline), inspiration for parenting, challenges to better yourself and your parenting, and personal accounts of my parenting successes and miss-steps. I am very inspired by the “Waldorf” view of education and Rudolph Steiner’s view of child development. I strongly agree with the Waldorf/Steiner parenting philosophy and write about this as well.

I am also extremely dedicated to living a real foods lifestyle and making healthy, green choices for our family. Although I am still in the midst of this journey, I feel it is important to share my experiences with my readers as I work through the transitions to becoming a fully green home and living a 100% real foods (Weston A Price) lifestyle. I dive into whatever health topics spark my interest at that moment. I also try to post at least once recipe (or collection of recipes) monthly.

What do you aim to impart to your readers through your blog?

It really depends on the particular post. My research based posts are intended to provide factual information related to a particular topic (most often health, real foods/Weston A. Price inspired diet, and healthy/green living.) I aim to write a post that offers my readers a foundation from which to do further research. My hope is that I can aid them in their journey to a more healthful lifestyle.

My parenting related posts typically are based on personal experience and my own parenting philosophies although I do offer some research heavy parenting posts. These are normally related to hot topic issues like spanking, punitive parenting, anger and hostility in parenting, and the like. As my daughter develops and finds her way in this world, my parenting approach and philosophy holds firm in its core values but remains flexible in how I implement it. I feel that it is important for my readers to not only see me on my parenting journey so that they realize they are not alone in their own journey but also to find inspiration for their own parenting. We are all in this parenting thing together and I want my blog to be a place where parents can find support reassurance, guidance, inspiration, motivation, awareness, and honesty. I am by no means an expert on anything but I hope my experiences and philosophies on parenting resonate with my readers and allow them to strive to be the best parent they can be to their children.

What do you feel the conscious approach to parenting gives rise to in regards to our relationship with our children?

A conscious approach to parenting gives rise to many things in regards to our relationship with our children. I personally have seen the benefits of conscious parenting both in my own relationship with my daughter as well as observing the relationships other conscious parents have with their children. I strong believe that conscious parenting:

· Encourages secure attachment;

· Empowers both the child and the parent;

· Provides more peace, joy, connection, acceptance, interdependence, and respect within a family structure;

· Enables parents to emphasize their child’s self-worth, self-esteem, self-confidence and free thought through self-discovery which in turn creates a a very trusting relationship between parent and child;

· Nurtures greater self-awareness and emotional depth;

· Gives children an inner strength and a sense of trust in themselves that is unbelievably deep;

· Assists with the parents’ understanding of their children and with the children’s comprehension of their mother and father as a person and a parent;

· Allows the parent to relax and enjoy the journey they are on with their child which in turn creates a balanced and harmonious environment for the child;

· Keeps chaos to a minimum and when the ebb and flow of life does get a little messy, conscious parenting provides the framework in which both the child and the parent can rely on each other and support each other through the rough waters;

· Fosters positive, supportive and fair interactions in every situation;

· Allows parents to comfortably communicate natural and logical boundaries without fear of breaking trust;

· Provides the gateway for the parent to deliver and receive radically honest communication to/from their child;

· Allows parents and children to develop a healthy friendship with each other;

· Creates an understanding between parent and child that is so deep, that often times no words are needed to express how one or the other is feeling. Communication transcends language and becomes something organic, raw, and natural. Souls are connected and the parent and child can simply “be” with each other without all of the mainstream parenting garbage clogging up the relationship.

What are some of the changes that you feel need to happen in order for our culture to shift towards developing healthy parent-child relationships?

I am about to step onto my soapbox. Stay with me here…there may be some good nuggets of insight amongst all of the word diarrhea. ;)

I feel that there is a LOT at play when it comes to the current state of parenting. Now, I am coming at this from the standpoint of a U.S. citizen, living in California. Things certainly could be different elsewhere as every culture approaches child rearing differently.

First, parents are NOT properly supported in this country. The government has a nasty habit of sticking its nose into everything and none of their intentions are ever good. They are biased against natural, mindful parenting via the almighty dollar. They will do what is in their best financial interest and sadly, their financial interest does not support helping parents to move away from what is typically considered mainstream parenting. It starts with the moment a baby is born. There is limited financial support for a new family. If a mother is a working mother on maternity leave, she gets a maximum of 16 weeks paid leave to bond with her infant. (Number of weeks paid leave depends on the state and whether the mother had a vaginal or cesarean birth). So mothers really do not get adequate time, in my opinion, to properly bond with their child. You are barely figuring out the whole parent gig when you are thrown back into the workplace. Some mothers cannot even afford to take the paid maternity leave since it is a small fraction of your normal pay. When a mother has to quickly return to work, her baby suddenly becomes a burden of sorts. This is clearly not the way to begin a healthy parent-child relationship. Parents should be given ample time and ample financial support to help them get off to the right start as a family, whether they are going from no children to one or adding another child to an already large family.

Second, I personally feel that we are way too caught up in the rat race of life and “having it all.” Not that long ago, women were content to stay home and raise their own children. Yes, this is a generalization and sure, there were certainly women who did not enjoy motherhood but for the most part, raising children was considered to be the most important job a woman could hold. I agree 100% and will probably get raked over the coals for this next comment. But I will state it emphatically…

WOMEN WENT INTO THE WORKFORCE AND THE DEMISE OF THE FAMILY BEGAN.

Yep – I shouted that one. But I believe it to be true.

Study after study after study has shown that children who are raised by their own parent(s), in their own home, are better adjusted children. They have fewer emotional issues, fewer mental issues, are healthier physically, and thrive better than their day-care raised counterparts. Now I get that some families “need” two incomes. But, and here I go again, do these families “need” two incomes because they enjoy all of the perks in life? The eating out, the going to the movies, the shopping, the nice car, the big house, the fancy décor? Are all of these things more important than a child who is healthy from a holistic sense?

I do not completely blame the two-income families for their “needs” which quite frankly are really “wants.” There is a lot of savvy marketing that goes on that makes consumers feel like that have to have this and that. Advertisers are also really good at making us feel like ass if we do not have the latest and greatest everything. Unfortunately, appearances play a big role in society today. Handmade clothes, cooking every meal at home, making your own entertainment as opposed to having every cable t.v. channel to mesmerize you, having a limited amount of toys, being a one car or no car family, and living modestly in general, are really not considered sexy by the masses. So in an effort to “be like everyone else,” both parents work at the detriment to a healthy parent-child relationship.

I am again not suggesting that you are an awful parent if you are in a two income situation. But there are only so many hours in the day, your child is basically being raised by someone else, mindful/peaceful parenting is TOUGH, and after a long day at work and trying to get the kids fed, bathed, and into bed, gentle parenting becomes awfully difficult to consistently employ.

Along these lines is how busy we have become. My god! It seems like everyone has all kinds of commitments, none of which are necessary for our survival. Children have classes, lesson, and sports. Parents have classes, lessons, recreation, meetings, “dates,” girls-night outs, etc… No one is ever home anymore. It is a constantly juggling act getting everyone to the right activity on the right day and at the right time. What the heck happened to staying home and spending time together as a family? Seriously! Sending your child off to karate class is not going to create a healthier parent-child relationship. Spending time with your child and making a concerted effort to be the best parent you can be and to be the kind of parent your child needs is what will create a healthy parent-child relationship. Yes, each person should be allowed to explore their individual interests and find activities that keep them grounded. But there should not be so many activities and outside commitments that family time becomes simply shuffling people around.

Life has become so very rushed. Ultimately, we all need to slow down and learn to enjoy some simplicity. We need to reconnect as human beings, away from our fancy Iphones, Ipods, Ipads, etc… We need to become families again and not just individuals living in the same home.

Now – back to that lack of support issue. If we are going to move away from the standard mainstream parenting, there needs to be a lot more support for families. Most parents simply do not realize that there is another way. They are just going with the standard flow. Sure, they may give mindful parenting a whirl but this approach to parenting is not something to just “try” once and then give up on. It involves a major shift in thinking, some HUGE work on the parents’ part, and commitment. It also involves fortitude. Mindful parenting will often bring up all kinds of yuck from our own childhood. Being able to stare our baggage in the face and move past it is not comfortable. But we must do this if we are to be the most mindful, peaceful parents possible.

Children bring out the best and the worst in us. Seriously. And it is way too easy to just resort to yelling, threatening, ignoring, punishing, and spanking. But in the long run, this only stifles the long term health and trust between a parent and child. We need mentors, classes, free resources, phone support, online support that is accessible to everyone. Parenting classes that are available need to shift to mindful parenting approaches and move away from the time outs, the rewards, the punishments. But this will be tough, because we are a very reward based society. Which leads me to my last point (although I could make a ton more).

We have become a VERY competitive society. We push and push and push our children. We expect perfection. We want them to be the most polite, have the best grades, be the most well behaved, hit all the developmental milestones first, to make us PROUD. I don’t know about you, but my daughter makes me proud every single day, just by being her. We need to start allowing our children to take the lead and to guide us as parents. It is not our job to impose our will on them. Step back for a moment and really soak in WHO your child is and not who you WANT them to be. Your child has their own mind, their own heart, their own soul, their own personality, their own dreams, their own wants, their own desires, their own destiny. Why fight that? Do we, as adults, like to be controlled through intimidation and fear? Is it really enjoyable to bust our asses in the workplace, sacrificing precious time with our families so we can get that raise? Wouldn’t it be nice to have all of that pressure off, to just be able to do the job we love, the way we want to do it, to the best of our ability without worrying about a yearly review, being written up, or getting a raise?

Parents are entrusted with the life of their child. It is our job to keep them safe and healthy. It is not our job to make them become a “something.” Until we get past the need to be the “boss” of our child and instead allow them to take the lead more, we will never have the healthy parent-child relationship that really needs to be in place if we are going to see a shift in just about every aspect of life.

Children teach us more than we teach them. It really comes down to allowing that to organically occur. When we learn to let go, we will be better parents.

The end.

What do you struggle with personally in your parenting journey?

I am not a patient person by nature. Patience really is a virtue that was left out of my DNA. I have always been someone who moves at a fast pace. I walk fast, I talk fast, I eat quickly, I am quick on my feet, but oddly enough I have a ridiculously low pulse and blood pressure. I am direct, efficient, and able to multitask like no one’s business. Having a child pretty much puts the breaks on impatience. And this is my greatest struggle. I am continuously learning to enjoy the journey of life as opposed to just waking up and getting through the day. Now that my daughter is almost 3 and gaining more and more skills and independence, life has come to a screeching halt. Doing anything with my persistent helper takes forever. And I have to remember to breathe and enjoy every single moment working in tandem with my sweet little girl.

I do not want to remember her childhood as one big rush from morning until nightfall. More importantly, I do not want her to remember her childhood as rushed. A child’s life is all about stopping to smell each and every rose, to poke at each and every bug, to wonder about pretty much everything they see, smell, hear, touch, and taste. And it is my job to put my impatience on hold and just love the freedom that having a child has given me. (But I still get impatient daily, no matter how hard I try. I mean really, does it have to take a half hour to put on a pair of shoes that you will fling off in the car anyway????)

My other struggle is simply to always stay focused on the path I have chosen as a parent. Mindful parenting is mentally taxing, emotionally draining, and physically demanding. Being there for your child, being there is every sense of the word is a lot of work. The payoffs are huge but it is not at all easy. Sometimes I can get bogged down and get stuck in my head. Parenting is not about the brain – it is about the heart. When I move from my heart to my head, I lose some of that mindfulness I have committed to. So staying heart centered and not head focused can be a real battle for me, especially since I love to analyze and overthink everything.

I also always want to fix everything. But I can’t. My daughter has to learn and grow through trial and error and sometimes this hurts, is ugly, is scary, or is confusing. It makes my heart ache when I have to step back and just watch my daughter take a misstep on her journey in life. But helicopter parenting won’t get her anywhere. Life can be painful. I just wish it didn’t have to be.

If you could give one bit of advice to mothers who have recently come across the concept of parenting mindfully, what would it be?

Parenting means establishing a solid relationship with your gut and your heart. These two organs always know more than your head does. So trust your gut. Once you get the hang of the mindful parenting approach, your heart and your gut will kick in in a huge way. It is imperative to listen. They won’t steer you wrong. The other piece of advice is to allow your children to lead you. I am not suggesting that you allow them to be the parent. Not at all. But your children know what they need better than you do. Trust them. Trust that they know their bodies and minds. Give them the freedom to show you what they need from you. Really, it comes down to open mindedness, warmth, compassion, and love. All they need is love. Genuine, deep, organic, raw, unabashed, soulfelt love.

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